Any and Everything

By

MsAshHole

·

Journal Entry 19

Death just sucks. The finality of it all is heartbreaking. It almost seems like he is just away. i know he is not and how childish that sounds but I have these moments when I forget that I can’t call him. My soul hurts most at these moments. I know eventually I’ll remember the bad…

Death just sucks. The finality of it all is heartbreaking. It almost seems like he is just away. i know he is not and how childish that sounds but I have these moments when I forget that I can’t call him. My soul hurts most at these moments. I know eventually I’ll remember the bad times too but right now I think a lot about when we met and how he was. I don’t have the words to properly express the love I have for that man. the one before the alcohol grabbed him.

I don’t even know if people remember that man. the kids have no memory of him. he has been this way for so long I doubt anyone remembers that Josh. I wish they would because that is who he truly was. I miss that Josh so much. I thought I might get some of him back after rehab but to no avail.

He fell in love with alcohol and I fell out of love with him. You can only have one true love and I wasn’t his. I wish I was. I pray my kids never go down that road. I really do. I am paying for the cremation tomorrow. It has me all broken up and it really hurts to know I’ll never see him again. I’ve missed him for years. Now, it will be for a lifetime and not by my choice. I didn’t choose this. I was handed this with no instructions. I just have to figure things out. It sucks. I just wanted Josh to be sober and for us to grow old together. I was robbed. He robbed himself. I’m so sad about it all.

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Responses to “Journal Entry 19”

  1. craigparrish93

    Very hard sad stuff 💙

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  2. Ron

    I am so sorry for your loss. When people fall to addiction, their pain is thrust upon the people they love and end up being a load that all must bear. You were robbed twice of the person you love, once to addiction and afterwards by Josh passing. I can’t imagine your pain, and wish for nothing but the best for you and your family moving forward. It’s when life comes at you like you have had to deal with, we can find solace in the memories of better times. Never hesitate to live your grief, as it is part of the healing process of your heart. Sorry for the long winded message. I wish you peace and healing going forward.😘

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  3. Craig Bunyard

    You continue to inspire and amaze me with your transparency and willingness to expose yourself in you’re most raw and true form. While I cannot begin to fathom what you’re going through, I’ve been watching my aunt (my dad’s sister) go down a similar road and that has been difficult enough. We continue to try and steer her back to her true self but alcohol relentlessly summons her, and sadly she answers the call.

    You are strong and admirable, resilient and formidable. May you find comfort in the memories that you have of him as his true self.

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