Any and Everything

Death just sucks. The finality of it all is heartbreaking. It almost seems like he is just away. i know he is not and how childish that sounds but I have these moments when I forget that I can’t call him. My soul hurts most at these moments. I know eventually I’ll remember the bad times too but right now I think a lot about when we met and how he was. I don’t have the words to properly express the love I have for that man. the one before the alcohol grabbed him.

I don’t even know if people remember that man. the kids have no memory of him. he has been this way for so long I doubt anyone remembers that Josh. I wish they would because that is who he truly was. I miss that Josh so much. I thought I might get some of him back after rehab but to no avail.

He fell in love with alcohol and I fell out of love with him. You can only have one true love and I wasn’t his. I wish I was. I pray my kids never go down that road. I really do. I am paying for the cremation tomorrow. It has me all broken up and it really hurts to know I’ll never see him again. I’ve missed him for years. Now, it will be for a lifetime and not by my choice. I didn’t choose this. I was handed this with no instructions. I just have to figure things out. It sucks. I just wanted Josh to be sober and for us to grow old together. I was robbed. He robbed himself. I’m so sad about it all.