Any and Everything

May 2, 2026

It has been forever. I am sorry that I did not take the initiative to write sooner. I was/am stuck effectively. I am not really sure why. I have several things saved in my drafts, but never chose to post. I’ll be honest: a big issue I have is that I don’t always feel like talking, and I don’t always feel ready to be honest. My honesty can sometimes be a bit brutal. I am very aware of that. 

I haven’t really taken a step back from my social media presence. Right now, I am more focused on my daily life, which changes so very much on a whim. It can be frustrating in a way, but not exactly. I think the frustration comes from having so many moving parts to try to contend with. It is manageable, though. 

Over these last few months, I have been doing a lot of thinking—a lot of deep dives into myself. My head is a scary place to be. I always knew that, though I tend to try to stay out of it unless I need to go there. Not the best way to deal with things, but that is what I tend to do. 

Yesterday was the 10th anniversary of my Mom’s death. We were not close. I am not ashamed of that. It is a fact. She and I could not find a middle ground at that stage of life. Had she lived longer, I may have been able to mend that relationship. Regret is not something I have regarding our relationship. Every time I go through things in my head, I ask myself if I would do anything different. The answer is always, “no.” At the end of the day, I stood my ground. Trust me, I took a lot of shit beforehand. There was so much childhood trauma that I dealt with from that woman that… no one would blame me for distancing myself and setting boundaries. It was hard. I don’t really want to get into all of that. Honestly, I let go of everything years ago. I feel like it is a new level of maturity when you empathize with your parents. I reached that level around 35. 

My birthday came and went. 40 is the same as 39, and 39 is the same as 38. I guess it could be worse. I will say that it did take my body a while to feel normal after Charlotte was born. I need to make sure I set aside time to write because this is really my therapy. I enjoy it. I need to say things sometimes and not out loud. I am a quiet person. That is not to say that I don’t assert myself when I need to. I am just tired of nonsense.

Let’s talk about the social media community. I have been a part of a very good community on Twitter. It is a little disheveled at the moment, but I don’t really care. I planted myself firmly where I stand. I won’t deal with dumb drama that is just unnecessary. See, that comes from years of dealing with “Big Item” issues. Like the fact that I am either really good at marriage or really bad at it… When you have dealt with death as much as I have, petty bullshit is repulsive.

My parents and life circumstances created an emotional monster. I don’t mean that in a bad way, necessarily. It is just that I feel, but I’m also quick to cut off and compartmentalize any emotion I don’t want to feel. It is easy for me. When people deal with similar childhood traumas, as I did, there are several ways they tend to cope. People either become super attached in an unhealthy way, or they detach completely, and sometimes they compartmentalize… I compartmentalize. I will say it gives me the ability to socialize normally. It isn’t always easy, but I don’t find it hard to chameleon myself into almost any situation. Knowing a little about a lot can sometimes get you pretty far for a while. 

I wish I could effectively answer the question, “ Are you okay?” I am, but I am not. I will be. My normal has been altered, and it is still altering. I am not sure where I am going, but I am not going to stay here. Metaphorically and literally. 

I have also been giving people a healthy dose of their own energy. It is about time I entered my “fuck off” era. Long time coming indeed. It actually is quite liberating in a way. I am just not sure how I am going to go about things. Directly is how I have been, and that seems to be a good way so far. We shall see how that evolves.

Now that Charlotte is a little older, I am finding it easier to make time to do more things like this. I think my problem lately has been that I am not sure I can get a complete thought out before I am called to do something else. Which is fine; this stage only lasts for a little while. I am enjoying this go. It is a lot different. I never had much help with the other girls. Not when they were little. 

I have so much more that I want and need to talk about; we shall do it slowly. I am not making a “challenge” with myself, but I need to come back to this for my own mental sanity. The layers in my life have become so deep. 

I hope you all have had an amazing few months. Mine have been busy. Maybe it is time I post some of the work I have been holding back on, too. I hate being such a perfectionist. There are so many stories I have started and just stopped because I didn’t like one aspect of them. I should go back and fix what I don’t like and publish. Maybe I will start on that too!

This was actually a bit hard to write because I have been so used to just not talking about how I feel these days, not openly. It is time to get into that. I think I am out of practice. The desire has been there, but the motivation has not. I need to change that. I have also thought about how I need to get back into yoga and meditation. That would be nice. The thought of doing something and actually doing it is worlds apart. 

I am going to stop here for now, but I will return and not in months! I am going to sit down and pen out a proper entry this week. I may do a weekly check-in to hold myself accountable. Really, I need the outlet. My life is changing expansively by the day. A place to capture my thoughts is a haven of sorts for me. 

Well, I started this last night, and it is currently Sunday morning. I will not be going to church. We have a new preacher, and I’ll be honest… I am not feeling his preaching style. That is right on trend with how things have been going in my life, but alas, it is what it is. I suppose I will wait till the kids wake up, and we shall all make breakfast. 

Have an amazing day, my friends ❤️