Any and Everything

July 12, 2025/July 13, 2025

This past week has been raining nonstop. I need it to stop for at least one day so my yard can dry up enough to cut. I honestly don’t know if that will happen. So far, it hasn’t. My anxiety has picked up this past week. I understand why, but I don’t feel like talking about it. Nothing I say or divulge will make that go away. It is always something, and what I know is, I can’t make everyone happy. So, I must ensure that my children are cared for. Those are my top goals right now.

I understand that I am being selfish. I am okay with that. I have spent decades doing what others want me to do. I have been thinking long and hard about what is to come. I have realized that, and I have said this many times before, I am not ready for any relationship any time soon. It would not be fair to me or the other person. I have heard the “You just haven’t met the right person” and many different reasons. I think that it is because I have experienced it twice already. I am perfectly content with having my own life on my terms. I have lived with two men—one for a year and the other for 18 years. I have had that infatuated feeling, the one where no matter how bad things are, you wouldn’t want to live without that person. It isn’t that I don’t like that again. It is more like it doesn’t exist for me anymore. Maybe I am being a bit cynical.

I don’t think I am; I think it is just how I feel, the raw, honest feelings. My great-grandmother never married or lived with a man again after my grandfather died. I remember asking, as best as a child can, why… Her response was aligned with, “Because I have already done that.” I feel the same way. It is a hard truth. I can’t change that about me. Maybe one day it could evolve, but no one in this world besides my children do I feel the need to communicate with daily. Normal people long for that. I don’t. I prefer to be alone somewhere without having to talk to anyone. Given what I have experienced, I don’t know that I would say that isn’t normal. I feel like maybe it is understandable. To me, it is.

I think some of my anxiety stems from the knowledge that I am disappointing good people. Their expectations of me are too high. I have made myself very clear, and at the same time, I try to appease certain people in my life. This leads to blurred lines, I guess. And that is entirely my fault. I don’t know how to fix it at this point. I don’t know if anything is fixing it. I am who I am, and I can’t change it. I can’t even begin to try because it isn’t in me. I do my best to be myself, but I sometimes find myself not being authentic. I hate that. It feels wrong. At the same time, I am not doing anything wrong because I have no idea who I am. I am getting there, but I sometimes feel a lot of pressure. I am not exactly trying to live daily anymore, but I feel like I am because that is what is best for me now. I don’t make long-term plans regarding my personal life. My thoughts and feelings shift from day to day. I have no choice; it is just what it is.

I have had conversations about how some things that I do bother people. The thing is, I am not in a place to change the trajectory of my life at this point. Or the things that I do. I am sorry that it bothers some people. I spent years doing what I felt like others wanted me to do. I won’t do that anymore. It would not be true to who I am. I feel like I am not done figuring out who I am or what I want yet. I do understand time is fleeting away as I am getting older. I get that to the deepest point of my being. I don’t do well answering to other people. I don’t think I ever will again. Is this what they call “Set in my ways?” I think it might be.

Today I am just staying home and relaxing. Maybe I can relax and get out of my head for a bit. That is a scary place to be at times. I have noticed that I can feel it, but it just isn’t in the way others do. That may go back to the fact that I have lived a lot for someone my age. I enjoy the days when I get up and don’t have to worry about how someone else feels. Now, I say that, but my kids don’t count because they are the people at the forefront of my mind. But, I don’t want to evolve my entire life around them because one day they will live their own lives. For now, though, they are an intricate part of my life.

Something coming up will shift my life in a different direction again. I realize this must happen before I start gaining ground on my true feelings about everything in my life. There is one shift that has organically happened. Well, I did facilitate it in a way. But that has been on my mind since I swore it off. It doesn’t shift the outcome because I know how it is realistically. I am okay with that. It is nice to have a speck of happiness, even temporarily. I said it many times, I feel like there is always a natural test that is given to certain situations. The results of that test tell you everything you need to know about the outcome. So far, that has proven to be true. I won’t look past that. The test was given long ago, and the results are not looked at beyond my eyes. I know exactly what I need to know. So, my overall thoughts on the ending have not changed.

I do feel like an asshole at times. That is the people pleaser in me. I am not an asshole. I am still trying to figure out how to navigate the future. It is hard when you get accustomed to living in a “day-to-day” sense. I do not want to be there, but I am not yet ready to plan things. Being fake would make me an asshole, and I won’t ever do that again.

The kids are doing well. That is a good thing. Everyone seems to be on a steady shift in a positive direction for once. In a house with three kids, that is a sparse place to be. The one plan I have is to use my degree. I want to start applying for jobs come September/October. I want to work in the chosen field for about a year and then get my master’s; that is a plan. I have always been good at making and keeping my plans.

I hate feeling like I am in a sort of “limbo,” but that is where I am until the end of the month. I have to figure out how I feel after that. I know that things are going to redirect and shift course. I am okay with that. I have to be. So, today I rest and relax. I hope that maybe I will gain some perspective.

July 13, 2025

I took a long break, I guess. I was going to finish this yesterday, but I ended up napping most of the rest of the day. I don’t do much of that, so it was nice. Here in a bit, I plan to jump in the shower and get ready for church. Next week, we will be busy with appointments for kids and such. It is the norm, and I also aim to button up on getting their supplies for school. I want everything done before they start school, which will be at the beginning of August. My one daughter in virtual school is the easiest; they send her the supplies she needs. I will say that is nice. I hate that she is missing out on the social aspect of attending school. I do understand that after everything she has experienced, she has some social anxiety that makes it harder for her to focus on her school work. However, there are layers as to why she chose virtual school. It is fine with me as long as she is doing well and is happy. It seems to have been the best choice for her.

They were all in a private school. That was a nightmare. I had so many problems with that school, it was ridiculous. It was a local Christian school, and I don’t chalk it up to religion being the issue; it was the fact that my children are far from conformists, and that did not align with that particular institute. I have made my children comfortable questioning things they may not agree with or understand. When I was called in to “discuss” matters, I didn’t always agree with the administration. That was not received well. They expected me to nod, smile, and implement things I disagreed with. Anyone who knows me would tell you that won’t be happening. The principal didn’t take kindly to me asking questions or pointing things out. I should go in-depth about all this in another entry because it goes deep. So deep that I started recording every meeting. It is my right, as where I live is a one-party state. The things they said and did, not even they could make sense of when I pointed out the obvious. Like the time they singled my daughters out because they had a legit lockdown, and my children called me. I then called the school to inquire about it. They pulled my kids from class and took their phones away because they did not want any parents to know what was happening. They then told me that my daughters were inciting panic because they were talking about it during class, which upset another girl to the point she went home. My daughters, as well as many other students, were discussing it in class. But the girls were pulled because they called me. That is the bottom line. I pointed out that other children were discussing it in a group. They told me that they did not single the girls out. I asked if any other kids were pulled for this incident and was told “no.” You should have seen the principal’s face when I responded, “Isn’t that the definition of singling someone out?” He had no choice but to agree with me at that point. I have all of that recorded. That is one of the many reasons I pulled the girls. They let them go without issues and released me from my financial obligation because they knew I would have fought it. I don’t think they knew I had all of our meetings recorded. I even recorded the one when I told them I was getting mad and going to leave, so I would not say anything off kilter. At that meeting, I saw that we would not have a mutual understanding. They could not agree to disagree and would argue their point no matter how ridiculous it sounded at times. I also felt the new principal was not okay with a female talking back. It was a strong vibe at every meeting we had. The principal, who had retired the year before, and I got along quite well. It was a small school, so I got to know the staff well. To sum it up a bit shorter, it was a shit-show. I am not the parent who believes my children can do no wrong. So I never go into any interaction with a “My children would never,” attitude. But I don’t want to understand the situation. So, I will ask questions, and I will do so without hesitation when I need to advocate for my children.

I know I have shifted from one topic to another. That is just how my brain works. What was on my mind yesterday is not on my mind today. That is the fun of writing these entries without planning and letting my thoughts roll out. It is good for me to do it this way. It allows everything to escape my brain.

I guess it is time for me to stop chattering and shower. I aim to attend church today and next Sunday, but will be out of town the one after that. I missed the last two Sundays because I was out of town. I am sure I will be bombarded with the “we missed you guys” comment, but life gets busy. The critical thing to note is that I will always be back. I only miss a Sunday when I have to. Well, I hope everyone has a fantastic day! I am going to get ready:)

Thank you for indulging me on this entry. I know it has been a bit all over the place, but I am trying to stick with my commitment to at least making one post weekly. I am sure they will get more frequent as I continue this venture.