Any and Everything

June 18, 2025

I got up early this morning, as usual. I am so used to going to the gym, and this is weird to me. I took off last week to get my house in order, and this week has been a bust. Well, between early appointments at doctors for various children of mine, myself, and the fact that we leave for the beach tomorrow, it hasn’t been possible this week… I mean, could I have gone later in the day? Yes… but I am just a morning gym person. I always have been.

Plus, I will say that with what seems like limited energy here lately, I have been focusing on where I need it to be. I look forward to seeing my Dad today. It will be fun. I’ll be honest: my siblings have not been the best to him, but it is expected when you look at the fact that they are 18 and 20. People tend to live in their own worlds at that age. A world in which everything revolves around one’s self. It takes many years to figure out how to reflect and see that you are not the center of the universe. You may be the center of your universe, but you are not the center of THE universe.

I have been thinking a lot about how I react to things. I hold a lot of my anxiety in. Most people don’t even know because I hold it in. Some say it is “stoic,” but it is because I don’t like to let people know too much about me. It is completely a defense mechanism. It allows me to be unaffected by others. That is probably not healthy, but it is the truth. When I get anxious, I realize my first line of defense is to retreat by myself. Essentially, run away. I have developed the ability to do that with no issues. Until now, I am in a spot where I know that would be unfair, so, while yes, I could do that… I won’t because it is wrong.

I want to, though I won’t lie about that. I want to seclude myself because I feel immense pressure at the moment. I find myself doing it unintentionally, but I pull myself back out of it. That is hard to do when you are used to that being your “go-to” technique. I feel less free than before and don’t like it. I have to alter myself to conform to what others think. It stresses me out. Sometimes, I want to escape for a bit. But how do you explain to people that you need to disappear to get yourself together? It is almost always taken the wrong way.

It is a coping mechanism as well as a defense mechanism for me. I feel the imminent pressure on the horizon. Trust me, I get that what is expected is warranted, but at the same time, I don’t know that I can give what is wanted. I am anxious because the last thing I want to do is to hurt anyone. That is never something that I want to do actively. Nor would I do that intentionally. I also will not put myself in a position of being fake. That is a challenging aspect of this whole thing. I have no idea what I want out of life or where my life is leading me. I have mentioned that it may be time to start thinking about the future, but that happens slowly. I am still very unsure of the ups and downs. I have to get to a place to clear my head and evaluate where I want to expend my energy and what direction I want to go.

I spent so many years not making decisions for myself. I am learning how to do that. When I was younger, my mom made all my decisions; when I tried to make my own, I was “rebelling.” I married Robert, and I began to start making my own decisions slowly, and he died. I returned to my mother because that was easier than thinking for myself. Then, of course, I met Josh, and he gladly made most of our decisions. That means I allowed others to decide things for me most of my life. I am so torn.

It is like if I do something and someone questions why I did it or brings up that they didn’t like it for whatever reason. I immediately feel pressured. It isn’t normal, and I am unlearning that response. I know they don’t mean anything by it. To question something or put out an opinion on something is a normal human thing. I feel this way simply because I am still relearning how to interact healthily with others. It is on me. This is a prime reason I can not be in any tied-down relationship. I am not ready to give myself to anyone because I still have no idea who I am. I lost my identity long ago before I even had the time to develop one. I have to find myself before I can decide to give myself away. Judging by my late progress, that could be a while. I won’t do it before I am ready. That would be unfair to me, as well as anyone else. I want to be happy this last leg of my life because, let’s be real, at pretty much 40, I’m not on my way “up” the mountain anymore.

I would like to figure myself out beforehand. If everyone knew the boat I was in, they would suspect I put the cart before the horse. They would be right, but that was done unintentionally. I will explain that a bit more at a later date. Because of that, I feel immense societal pressure to do things in a way that doesn’t feel natural to me. It is the natural order typically, but because of everything that I have been through and the trauma that I am still working through, it doesn’t feel that way to me. I still have work to do for myself. People say they understand, but underlying connotations tell me they don’t understand.

I understand that, though, and they shouldn’t understand these things. I wouldn’t want someone to be in the emotional place I have been or am in. To feel this way is unfair to a person’s sanity. It truly is. I don’t expect anyone who hasn’t experienced the things I have to grasp this. I am ok with that. I am just trying to figure it all out because I have no idea where the coin will land at the end of the day. Heads or tails? I can’t predict how I will feel tomorrow, let alone a few months from now.

The universe has a sense of humor, though. Because every time I start to feel like I gain a direction, a wrench is thrown into my spokes. I guess I am getting as many hard life lessons as possible. But it’s okay. I will figure it all out. I am such a planner that not knowing or having a plan almost kills me, but at the same time, I want to feel comfortable in said plans and happy with my future. I am very unclear on where that all is going. I want to rush things and hurry being “okay,” but that is irrational and didn’t work the first time. I want to work at my own pace.

I suppose I better go ahead and get ready. I started this a little before 5 a.m. Here we are almost at 6 a.m. I need to wake the kids up and get them going. I hope you all have an amazing middle of the week! I am hoping that by getting all of this out in words, I can shuffle through it a little bit and finally sort everything. I guess time will tell.