Any and Everything

February 10, 2025

I can honestly say that I am having some of the best rough days here lately. I don’t know if it is because I decided long ago to just go with the flow and now I’m actually accustomed to that or what. Things at home are pretty settled which is nice. I wouldn’t say I am complacent by any means but there is a sense of security in knowing that I can only do so much in a day. For some odd reason I used to think I had to get certain things done to feel like I am achieving my goals. I do. But, some things take time.

I have been napping more lately. I attribute that to the fact that I really did max myself out trying to get to where I needed to be in order to graduate when I want to. Now, that I am where I need to be it is like my body and mind are working together to do their best to allow me to recharge. One of the twins recently started antidepressants and that has been different. I find myself vigilantly watching her behavior because I know there can be adverse effects. So far, so good. And before I get the whole “no meds” speech… everyone can stop right there. Some of us need a little help bridging the gap. It was not a decision that we made lightly. It was well thought out between her, her therapist, and myself. Even though it will take some time for her to become regulated I do feel like it was the right choice for her.

I am doing better about allowing people to help me. I am the worst at that. It is a struggle for me to accept help. And, I still refuse to ask. That is just who I am. I am looking at the idea of moving in the future. May, not be in the near future but I would like a change. When I bought this house it was something that Josh and I chose together. I would like to have a fresh start. It also has dawned on me that this house holds memories for the children and not all of them good. They have agreed that they would like a change. I know a lot of that is because when Josh came home on hospice it was at this house. That has to be hard on them in many ways.

I still personally like to be alone. I don’t mean like “alone” because when I say that, my children aren’t included in that equation. It is like they don’t count when I say “I prefer not to be around people” in my mind. I assume that is normal for most of us parents. I have met people and I do have my little circle. I have gotten out and I have been social. It is a task. Almost like a character that I play. I think maybe one day I’ll get that part of myself back. Who knows if I actually will. I am relieved when I get to go back to my own space. I have so many changes coming. So many changes happening as we speak. At times, I don’t even know how to feel about them all.

I am not one of those people who want to hit the “easy” button but I sure am looking forward to things being easier. I plan to garden this spring. I did it for a long time but this past spring my depression got in the way of my plants. I tried and I started strong but there were so many days that I just let it all go. It was vastly unsuccessful. I am currently working on a few shorts and poems which has gotten off to a rocky start. I’ll get back there, I always do.

I am hoping to get a little time this week to work on something other than school. I can’t believe I even have time to do that. It has been forever. I should clean the house but even I know it isn’t that bad. It is the little twinge of OCD about that stuff that makes me feel like I should be doing that. I am one of those people who used to basically have a cleaning schedule. I would do the floors one day, bathrooms another, and so forth. It is nice to feel like I have a little freedom in that arena of life. But, the kids do their part so it is never really all that bad.

I have been thinking about how much things have changed since I was married. I am still shocked at how many people don’t know what it was like for me or rather who turned a blind eye to the things that were going on behind closed doors. That was partially my fault I suppose. I lived in a world where it wasn’t addressed. The girls have opened up more and have asked what their father was like before he was a full blown alcoholic. I do realize that they never knew him when he wasn’t. We are all in a sorts of recovery from that whole experience. No one here walks on eggshells anymore. That was our lives for all of their lives. I am not proud that I stayed for so long. A lot of that had to do with me hoping things would go back to how they once were instead of facing the reality that it was the reality. You can’t go back from that. There had been too much bad to ever go back. I needed to move forward.

Some of you that have followed me for a long time know that I actually was in the process of ending my marriage when he got really sick and I did put that on the back-burner to take care of him in those final months. I keep getting told how great that is… I had no choice. I couldn’t let my children see me any different and even though he wasn’t the nicest to anyone that last year or so… they needed to be there at the end I owed them that. It was never really for him. I still remember one of his coherent days when I was taking care of him. He asked me, “So we aren’t getting a divorce?” I don’t know if he knew that it was one of his last days but I did. I simply responded, “No.” Even that was for them. Because if he was able to be comfortable in those last days that meant that they wouldn’t have to see him uncomfortable or in distress.

So, when people tell me that I am such a good person. I really do mean it when I say that I’m really not. I usually don’t elaborate but what I was doing was not out of the good of my heart for him. That man did some horrible things to me. Some, I still don’t talk about. I never did any of it for him. But, I would do it again because my children were able to get some sort of closure. I know they will benefit from that down the road. They needed to see me doing the right thing as well. It was difficult but important.

When he did come home on hospice he only lived for two weeks before passing. There were good days and bad days. He wasn’t cognitively in his right mind most of those days. It was not easy on anyone. Thinking back on those days, I realize he had no one else and it was the best decision to be made. Hell, his mom only came once to see him during those two weeks. I’m sure she does her best to act like she was here around the clock. I am so glad I cut those people off. Fake is something I can’t entertain. I used to ignore it but, it disgusts me at this point in life. I would like to say that I am pretty far along in the grieving process but we all know that is not linear. I still have my moments. I still tend to shut down and revert back to not speaking on things. I am really working on not doing that anymore because that helps no one and definitely doesn’t help me.

I often have a hard time justifying to myself why I stayed in a bad situation for so long. Doing a deep introspective dive on myself tells me I was part of a trauma bond. Very unhealthy. I do realize it now but it has taken the better part of two years to come to terms with that. You can’t change what you don’t acknowledge and boy do I acknowledge that now. I am slowing starting to understand myself. Some of us need some harsh realities to do that. Some of the best people I know wouldn’t be here today if they were lesser individuals. I hate to admit it but I am drawn to people who have had those harsh realities throughout life. They are some of the best people that I have ever met. And know so much about life. I’ve heard people jokingly do the “We listen and we don’t judge.” Well those people live by that because they have been through a hell most will never imagine. Most people will never know what all they have been through but it shows through their ways. Because, although, that can be a joke, it is real to them. It is just how they are now.

Once one has seen a certain amount of hell it is almost like they’re calling to help others through. No matter how bad it is or was, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. It is so hard to see that when you’re in the middle of the flames. Those people are needed to give that helping hand. It is because they relate, they are helping because of experience. There is no judgement. I know there are a lot of people who mean well and do try to help but it is different when someone can relate. Those are the ones that don’t have to talk they just listen. Sometimes, we just need people who listen and really hear.

Well, I guess that’s my thoughts for now. I will go off on these tangents randomly 🙂 It feels nice to get them out. Just to put “pen to paper” in a sense. I used to say that when I would just write in my journal. But, this is my journal now and this does help me so very much. Thank you for listening. I hope you all have an amazing Monday!