Any and Everything

February 4, 2025

I have had the hardest time decompressing from doing a ton of speed courses. I suppose I didn’t really have to do it but to see an end in sight was enlightening and refreshing. Having said that, the speed courses were brutal. So much of my time was spent literally with my face glued to a screen taking care of what I needed to do. Now that I am done with those my brain is having a hard time not feeling frazzled. I do feel a little better now that I am a week out from my last class. I think I am a week out anyways, at a certain point it all became a blur. I hope I can start doing other things now but my brain is not allowing me to process that I can do other things than school. That is the craziest thing. I am getting there.

I have began cooking on the regular again. It actually took me a little to start enjoying that again. Funny how things that you once enjoyed can come in second for so long that you don’t know if you enjoy them anymore. Even worse, you feel like you are making yourself do them. I can rest assured, I do in fact enjoy it and it is becoming a fun activity for me again. Not something that I do because I have to. I am not doing so many shortcuts. I had pressed the easy button on a lot of the things that I used to enjoy because my whole life was either kids or school. Everything else was completely taking the backseat. I think that is why I decided to take a break after I get this degree. I need to have some well deserved “me” time again. My brain is having a hard time processing and accepting that.

It has taken a while but I do think that we are all moving forward as far a grieving goes. The girls have really come a long way. But, I do realize that it will never go away. Even more for them than me. I do what I can to help them with that process but it is still not the easiest of things to do. Ava actually asked me yesterday morning about when I lost my mom and if it ever goes away. We talked at length about how it really never goes away it just becomes easier. And there will be times in her life when it is hard again. Milestones she will go through that will stir it all back up because her father isn’t here to experience them with her. But it does get easier with time. Alyssa is more quiet with her feelings and I do understand that we all go through our emotions different than others. Aria is doing well, she will sometimes bring up Josh but not very often. They are all still in therapy. I love their therapist and she has been so helpful through this process.

I don’t know why, well actually, yes I do… but I have recently started cutting people out. I have my reasons and I don’t always get into them but I am seeing my value as a person more. I am also seeing that not all people value others. One thing that I do not appreciate is being lied to and used. I don’t even miss those folks. Not even a little bit. That is a far cry from the people pleaser that I once was. I don’t really know if I can say that is what I was exactly. Maybe it is better to say that I just ignored a lot because I as in my own world and going through my own things. I have been since I was very young. It was more of a way to defend myself. I don’t accept bad behavior anymore and it feels amazing. I know that I can do what I need to do without all the drama and mess that some others bring to the table. It is unnecessary and very draining.

I also do not hold back my thoughts and feelings. I guess that is a bit of a lie because I don’t share them all either. If it is appropriate I do, therein lies the difference I suppose. I am understanding who is worth knowing me and who is not. I do find it funny how some people assume they know so much about a person, when in fact, they know nothing at all. As humans, we are naturally curious creatures. I get that and I also like to remember that curiosity killed the cat, if you know what I mean.

As of right now, I really don’t have any drama in my life and it is very nice. I have a very tight circle for that reason alone. It amazes me that some people do their best to infiltrate that when they have no business doing so. I see right through them usually but that is the benefit of not allowing everyone in.

I am glad that I decided to stop procrastinating and delve back into this. I have so many things to share but I have to do it organically, which for me is not all at once. I even have a super big thing that I am not sharing quite yet but I will in due time. It isn’t a bad thing it is just rather life altering for me. Something I wrote off in a big way for a long time. Funny how we do that. We just assume something won’t ever happen and then… it does. That is coming soon.

I suppose I better put a halt to this for today as I need to go marinate some chicken and then do the daily “kid pickups.” Expect more ramblings from me on the regular. I need to finesse my sharing because I do have a mountain of things to divulge. I hope everyone has an amazing middle of the week I am already exhausted. I am tired quite a bit lately but that will wane. 🙂