Any and Everything

August 13, 2024

The kids went back to school yesterday and I took the day to myself. It was amazing. I love them but I also need to have some time to myself that doesn’t always involve working, cleaning, or school. Doesn’t happen often during the summer. It doesn’t help that I have no one that helps me with the kids. I tried to let them stay with their grandmother for a weekend. That was a disaster. It is like their Grandmother wants to try until things get tough. Things are tough for her with my children because she never took the initiative to get to know them. For almost all of their lives she lived less than 20 minutes away. Yet, saw them none. I knew in the back of my mind that was going to be a disaster.

I got lucky though and I have an amazing sister-in-law. She hasn’t been with Josh’s brother in many many years but we have stayed friends. Besides, she is the mother of my neice and nephew, she will always be family. I am so grateful for her. These small child-free times are beneficial for my mental wellbeing.

I went to the falls yesterday by myself. It was what I needed. I got to really get into and out of my head all at the same time. My brain can be a frightful place to be. I don’t like to linger too long. I did think about my mom a bit. I do miss her. I know most of my family frown upon how I handled the situation between us. I had to separate myself from her for my own sake. When she passed we had not been talking. I hate that we lost that time but at the same time with the way she was it would have been a constant war between us. I don’t deal with crazy… not normally. I learned not to from her.

Now, that I am older I see things from a different perspective. She really did the best she could and everything she did was out of love, even though, that is hard to see unless you knew her. I have worked hard to break a lot of things that I know she didn’t mean to instill in me. I have a hard time showing affection. It is a true struggle. Most people actually don’t know that. Especially ones that I am connected with. In other words, I am not a hugger. Actually, you know what? I can count on one hand, not using all fingers, to show you how many times my mother hugged me in my life. Those few times I felt the awkward struggle. It wasn’t that she didn’t want to show affection. It was that she was also raised in a similar way. I get that now. Not, that I longed for hugs growing up. I am just looking back on it all. I actually was very similar. I didn’t/don’t really like being touched.

Okay, that is a bit wrong. There are people who can touch me whenever they want but they are my children and my partner. Anytime…. they want. It doesn’t throw my psyche off-balance. When others randomly touch me I tense up a bit. I didn’t notice it that much in the past but I have always done it. I would chaulk it up to various traumas but I am going to go straight to the main one which was being born to a child. Not only was it traumatic for me but for her as well. I don’t “give” my mom graces for the things she has been through. It doesn’t make how she was towards me ok but I do better understand her perspective. With her being bipolar and not poperly medicated, she did better than most would have especially for her age. I will tell you, not once in my life did I ever question if that woman loved me. She loved her children immensly.

Today is a beautiful day I have some motivation back but I think it was because I took yesterday to decompress from the summer break. That was the best idea for me. I feel like I am finally getting back to… or better yet, evolving into who I am now. It could be that life has presented me with so much turmoil that I am now accustomed to the chaos. So these small bothers that I am facing in life at the moment are just inconsequential. I am okay with that.

I have seen a lot in my 38 years. I don’t always realize that others haven’t been as exposed to life. I am actively working on that. It is also why I don’t tell everyone everything. Some people are not equipped to handle even the thoughts of some of the things that I have seen. I gauge people and don’t push things like that on them. Plus, sometimes it is easier for me to give the short version of things. Maybe that is a bit selfish. I am working on that. It isn’t that I don’t want to talk about things that I have been through. Talking about it doesn’t bother me. But, sometimes I am tired of talking about them. I feel like I have done it so much. It is mostly to myself I think because I analyze everything to death. I just don’t tell people that.

Well I suppose I will stop procrastinating and go clean my house. Adulting at its finest. I hope you all have an amazing Tuesday!