Any and Everything

August 4, 2024

I have put myself through the wringer. You know those times when you overthink things so much that you create ridiculous scenarios in your head? Yeah, I did that to myself yesterday. I worked through it. I had to basically tell myself to stop. Took me a little but I did. I think that i needed time to think, it was necessary. I will be honest not knowing the outcome of something stresses me out but I am learning to be okay with not knowing. That has taken some work. I mean no one ever knows when I am having a moment. I don’t let on. It is more of something that I think to death and to myself. I don’t usually bring people into my thoughts unless it is necessary. I am beyond acting crazy. It does no good. It is also why I don’t complain very much. At the end of the day it does nothing positive.

I think one of the reasons that I cut people off quickly is because, in my mind, ripping it off like a bandage helps me separate myself in a way that is not emotionally debilitating. It is not the right way to go about things, but I know that is what I do. I am always ready for the ball to drop in everything… I anticipate it. I am working on that though. I am getting better at understanding that there are just some things that are not within my control and that stressing over that is pointless. It is a work in progress.

I have been reflecting on how I handle situations and how I can improve. I have realized that I really do gaurd myself. I actively keep people at arms legnth. I can tell you I have less than 5 people that I have let my gaurd down to and I don’t mean all the way down. I do think that my method of “some things are better left unsaid” is not entirely wrong. Sometimes, I do wonder that maybe if I were more open then I would be able to connect with people. Probably not, I used to say whatever was on my mind and sometimes that led to not the best situations. I have always been upfront and honest I used to think it was a flaw but I see now that has made my life easier in a way. I have never pretended. I just can’t. But, now that I am older I get the fact that not everything needs to be said or heard.

I was once told that if I was patient enough, every question I had would be answered without me ever needing to ask it. I have found it to be true. Now sometimes it may take a while to figure things out but everything comes to light eventually.

Another thing I should work on is the fact that I can be short. I mean nothing by it really. I am just direct. I don’t even really think about it as I do it. I am not that wordy. I can be chatty but it isn’t all the time. It is only with certain people. I have also been really thinking about choices in my life and I am not unhappy with the experiences that I have had. I have had some really really good times, I suppose that the bad times were worth every one of those.

Looking back now I do think I needed more time after Robert. I wasn’t mature enough to understand that. It was beyond traumatic for someone my age at that time. Anyone would have been traumatized. I shut down literally. I connected with Josh and it isn’t that anything was forced but I didn’t understand that working through trauma is the way to get a hold on it. I was used to just not talking about things. That is how my family dealt with these types of things. I feel like a lot of people that I talk to have been raised in a similar way so I know many of you know what I mean.

That is a hard habit to break. I don’t bottle things up anymore. It is such a relief that I will never do that again. I don’t blow up easily either. When I used to bottle things up, I would not blow up, but I would have a time when there was nothing I could do because everything was coming to a head, and I had to release it. I usually found a space and cried. Stress crying we will call it that. I am so happy I don’t do that anymore. Oh, I do have those moments where I feel sorry for myself. They don’t last long. And it isn’t what you think.

I feel alone. I have said this before. It isn’t about being with anyone or anything like that. It is the fact that the person that I created life with is gone. The person who is responsible for 1/2 of these people we made is not here anymore. No one else is invested in these children. It is me. It is just an empty feeling. I can’t imagine how the girls feel. I mean we have talked about it. They are in therapy too but I don’t first hand have knowledge of how they must feel. If I feel this way I know they have to have complex things going on internally. They have to.

I am not into making careless decisions, but I have been toying with the idea of moving eventually. I have nothing keeping me here and I don’t know…this was Josh’s dream place. I liked it but it was an “us” decision. I am not ready yet but I have been thinking that I need to make a me choice. That will take time. I am not going to lie I have always favored Tennessee and Florida. I am not in the right frame of mind to do that. It is a big leap. Who knows…

I know people want me to move back home. I won’t, I don’t want to live there ever agan. I want to be left alone. That is one benefit of living here. Most people do not know where I live. Those who do are too far to just pop by. There was a house in Illinois that I really liked before we moved here…. I would love an old farmhouse or victorian style home on at least a few acres… The memories here just get to me sometimes. That will pass. I can’t even lie I would love some mature mossy oaks.

I knew I would have a rush of emotions at or around the year mark. A lot of that is because I slowly processed this whole thing. I didn’t have a lot of time to just sit and grieve. I had to make sure everything was handled, the kids, and so many other things. I suppose you could say I was too tired to feel for a while. This is a good thing I need to work all of this out.

I do know that right now things are good and I am okay. The kids are okay, too. I look forward to things. I am knowingly opening myself up to being hurt. It is scary but, again, I am okay with that. I never thought I would ever say that. I hate being hurt. I am so reserved about it I feel like I make people feel comfortable enought to easily hurt me. I am not someone who rages, begs, and I don’t make a fuss… I just move on. It doesn’t mean that I don’t feel it. I just feel like somethings are meant to be done in private. I prefer to be upset alone.

I’m sorry to ramble. I just needed to sort my thoughts…and I really like this freestyle writing method. My thoughts go in so many different directions because my mind is almost always “on.”

Thank you guys and I hope you have an amazing rest of your Sunday. I am going to kick back, relax, and watch this movie. I am going to let myself be happy tonight ❤️