Any and Everything

July 18,2024

I do not know where I would like to begin. I do know that today was eye opening. I had a moment with a friend that changed the dynamic of our relationship. I saw it coming. Barking up the wrong tree… that is what that is. One of the things I do is observe people. I feel like we all do that a bit. But, I really like observing people and actively do it. I am a great judge of character. Most of the time. I went through every scenario about this in my head. I typically do that with just about everything. This was one of the outcomes I predicted but hoped didn’t happen.

My time is valuable. Everyone’s time is valuable. When someone gives you their time, effort and energy without asking for anything in return you should respect them as people. If I choose to give my time to someone then that is a lot. I do not just toss my time around I am too busy for that. I am not going to go too in-depth with this because some things should remain private.

There is no one and I mean not a single being who can tell me who I am allowed to associate with. I thought everyone knew the wrong thing to do is to tell me what to do. I am an adult and I act accordingly. I don’t play dirty though. I never have. I am quick to cut people off though. Access to me is not granted to everyone. When someone crosses one of my boundaries especially someone I considered a friend… I cut them off. I will never ever be told what to do again. Josh did that all the time. I know it was an isolation tactic. I will never be manipulated again. Pisses me off when people try to. Just because I don’t call people on their bullshit doesn’t mean I don’t smell it. It insults my intelligence. I mean I see it happening and the person doesn’t get that I am not an idiot and I see exactly what is going on…. This has happened a few times and it is always men.

I am an open book what you see is what you get. I do not play games and I do not care to. It isn’t my style. I want to be happy and enjoy the rest of my life. It is so true that we only have a short time here. I spent most of it so far not being that happy. I refuse to go there again I will never go there again. I don’t have to because walking away from whatever is not working is always the solution. You can’t force a square block in a circular hole.

I used to worry so much. When I was younger I would go through every possible scenario in my head of what could happen given different choices that were made. I would stress myself over which it would be and what the outcomes would be. A switch flipped about a month after Josh died. The walking on eggshells atmosphere in my house was slowly going away. It is like a switch was flipped. I still over think but most of the time I don’t worry about the outcome I mean choices have consequences. It is just like, “Well, I guess it is door number 3 then.” Every once in a while I get surprised by an outcome I did not predict. I love that it is the best.

It is that feeling you get when you watch a really good movie or read a really good book and something you never thought would happen, happens… And then you feel like you need to process what you just learned. It is kind of like a feeling of Awe. If that makes any sense.

I’ll tell you one scenario I did not predict is this long distance thing that is developing. I did not predict that but I like it. It is nice. Not complicated. I really can’t wait to see him. I’ll be honest I haven’t been excited about someone since…. Forever… Josh I guess. I am good about keeping people at arms length. That is why when someone I allow in is vetted by me I don’t do it immediately. I am human and of course there will be times where I miss something. But the point is I don’t do it easily it happens little by little and I just see how much I can trust them as people. Then, when they show me who they really are I believe them the first time I have made too many mistakes in that department I have learned my lesson thoroughly. It especially upsets me when it is a trusted person who knows how I am or I thought knew me. My loyalty isn’t blind and it is earned. Having said that it can also be lost quickly. I don’t retaliate or anything like that I simply move on because I don’t have a reason to dwell or wish ill upon anyone. I am a bit quiet today I have been thinking A lot.

I didn’t want to do what I had to do but in that moment I saw red and at that moment, this is all unnecessary. I don’t know if I will give that person access to me again. I haven’t decided yet. That is dangerous territory because honestly even if I did permit access to myself it would be limited. I have this firm belief that a real friend would never make you choose between them and someone else. If they do then the answer to the question of “is this a real friend?” Is “NO.”

Here is the thing with that. I can’t dispute that reasoning because in my experience it has always been true. My mother had a hard time controlling me. Now that I am older and have learned more about life than I care to admit, no one will ever get that privilege. I spend time with and give my attention to who I want when I want.

I never burn bridges unless I have to.

I stand firm by that. PERIOD. I have had to burn a bridge or two. I don’t like doing it but I will without regret. It is almost like I am programmed that way now. I might be a little upset at first but at the end of the day I do what is right for me. I spent many a year doing what is right for other people or doing what I was told to do. Where did that get me? It sucks but it feels good being honest. I will continue to do that. It isn’t like I was ever really dishonest I just know how to guide conversations and a lot of times I kept things light and impersonal.

Those few of you who take the time to read these know me better than some of my best friends. I find a little humor in that. I really appreciate those of you who take the time to read my ramblings but I would still be doing this if no one read it. Just making things publicly known is a good feeling. I also tend to work through my thoughts as I type. I do these on a whim. That is all part of he therapy for me. I can mock up an outline for a story and go through everything in a technical way but that isn’t what helps me. I don’t need structured writings. I need to ramble.

I love Fun. I mean they aren’t the band you would think I would like but I listened to them during a really dark time. I associate it with the New York stuff. And I know y’all probably don’t know what I am talking about I don’t think that I have ever even talked about it with anyone. “Benson Hedges” isn’t one of the ones I would play on repeat but I do love it now. I loved New York City I really did. But you could cut the tension between Josh and myself with a knife. It is when I started voicing my thoughts on his drinking. They were not received well.

Another bad time that Fun was a go-to for me was when we were staying in Panama City Beach. I think we were there for a month. I was miserable. I pretended I was ok. I am good at that. That is why I don’t want to do it anymore. If I don’t feel okay about something then I am not going to pretend it isn’t happening and dismiss it. I am certain I will get into these things eventually but I don’t feel like talking about them tonight.

I have noticed that people like to test waters… What I mean by that is they will do something small to see your reaction and how you process that information. Then they will do a little more to see how you take that. Then a little more…. My senses pick up on that quick. Sometimes I play, I am not going to lie. I will notice and I will play along until I am over it. Other times I change lanes a go around. If I can avoid being a heinous bitch I do. It does no good in the long run. Don’t get me wrong I can be. I have no issue doing it but only if I have to. I have not had to do that in a long time.

I can’t think of one person that would make me want to resort to that even now. I just don’t get pleasure from that. I would rather move on. I have wondered about why I am so quick to cut people off. After Robert I didn’t people very often. Okay, I did but I really didn’t. I was just playing a role. I had decided that I wasn’t going to get married again and I didn’t want kids. Then I met Josh and looking back now I should have taken time for myself. I didn’t understand that you don’t get over things, you get through them. I understand that now.

Losing two people that were that close to me would lead to issues of abandonment. I am no different than other people who deal with it. I have my issues with it but I am good about stopping myself from doing too much overthinking. I mean the thing I think about when I look at the big picture is that he chooses to spend some of his time with me and I do the same, that is reciprocal and reassuring so to seek further confirmation is unnecessary. I pretty much tell myself to shut up. Even I can self sabotage but I notice when I am doing it for sure. Not proud moments for myself but they are moments that I indeed have.

I am just going to sleep on everything that has happened today. I I was mad earlier. I walked around this track that goes around the playground my kid likes… 2 miles… so like 30 laps… That was some good thinking time for me. I had told myself the fact that I am even having to talk to myself about this… means that I knew exactly what I need to do. I am a big fan of integrity and I pride myself in having it. If you have access to me I thought it was well known that it can be revoked and I don’t do second chances. If something doesn’t do well the first time. For me, it won’t do well the second. I mean there are exceptions but I don’t usually make those. If I shut down on someone. It is easier for me to just keep my distance. That little twinge of animosity will always be in the back of my mind and I will analyze everything they do with distrust. I won’t allow myself to do that I don’t want to be around people I feel like I need to watch. I would rather expend my energy elsewhere.

I will say I have been taking the kids out to do things each day. Well almost everyday. It is fun. I have really been enjoying it. I don’t know what we will do tomorrow I may take my youngest and go to the nail salon. I don’t know yet I usually like to go on Monday’s. I won’t lie since summer break has started I haven’t been the most consistent. I just would rather do other things. I am going to go this upcoming week though, even I have a limit of what I can deal with.

i am going to get settled I am going to kick back and hopefully go to sleep. I don’t know what tomorrow holds for me but I will tell you it will be a good day. Friday’s are always good.

Good Night! 😊