Any and Everything

July 16, 2024

Today has not been easy. I mean it started out busy. I did spend most of the day running around with the kids. I like days like this. But, of course, one of the twins and I got into an argument. I am so done with this self-entitled attitude that she has. I love her and I know she doesn’t mean to be that way it is her age. I got hopping mad. I had to go cool off. I don’t cry all the time but when I am that mad I do… After I had a period of separation from the situation things simmered down quickly. Honestly we both just needed a break. I’ll tell you what made me hopping mad. She shattered her iPhone by accident yesterday. Today we went and got her a new phone. A newer model. Added to my bill of course because the damn thing is $900. Well, I held it all together…

Until she said something along the lines of she doesn’t get anything and nothing is ever done for her. Y’all, I actually didn’t skip a damn beat I told her off. I listed everything over the past week including the phone that I have done without asking for anything in return. I took her phone, iPad, and whatever I could grab. I didn’t ignore her but for a long time today I was just quiet. I had no desire to talk to her in that moment because I was upset.

Besides, what good would it have done me to say a whole bunch of stuff in the heat of the moment? I mean that is when people say things they wish they hadn’t. After running errands she did apologize to me. I was still upset but even I know when someone is offering a sincere apology it is okay to accept it even if you are not over it yet. I told her that I appreciated her apology. When she apologizes she really means it. She gives thoughtful reasons as to why she is sorry. So, I know she took that time and thought about things. There are times where I have owed an apology as well. I am the same way.

Space has always been a friend around here. If tempers get flared…we are all hot headed. All of us. I like to call it “taking a break.” It works amazingly for us. I remind myself a lot that they will not understand some things. I’m talking from a cognitive level. Their brains will not be fully formed for many more years. I mean the reasonable person in me knows that and I do remind myself of that. But, the human being/parent in me gets real irritated at times.

The thing that some people don’t immediately grasp is I am a single mother. And by that I don’t mean that I am not with someone. It is something different for me. It is knowing that the other person who should be responsible for these lives we created is no longer here. He is very much gone. I am literally alone in this sense. I am their only parent. That hurts for so many reasons that they are layered and complex. Much more complex than I would like to get into tonight.

My mom and I had our issues but losing her is still weight bearing. My dad is still alive but when he is gone, that will be all of my grandparent and parents that are not here. It hurts to know that they are not here.

Point is, I know their father’s loss is traumatic for them. It doesn’t matter that he was an alcoholic… let me rephrase that, even though, he was an alcoholic they saw him everyday. This is a loss is felt. I saw it coming I had them start therapy right before he came home on hospice. I wish I had done it sooner. This is something that is going to be carried by them forever and I can empathize but even I don’t know the weight that something like that holds over people their ages. I try to make sure I remember that. Trust me some of the things that these kids say to me…. Make me almost forget at times. They are really good kids all of them. They didn’t lose a parent to divorce. They lost one entirely. Their emotions can sometimes be a bit all over the place but slowly things have been getting better.

We are all finding a new normal. School is about to start. I need to just be able to find some sort of anything for myself. Honestly, here for the last while other than seeing The Deacon, I haven’t done anything for myself besides my classes. Which is not my idea of fun. Don’t get me wrong I love the classes. The subjects obviously interest me but it is work. I am so excited that I get to see him sooner than later. It is going to feel like time is crawling leading up to the days I get to spend with him and those days will fly by. I would really like to take in the moments but I know myself and I will get lost in them instead.

Not that it’s a bad thing to be that way but I am realistic any of the times we have or will meet could be the last. Not that I want to treat them according to that but I would like to remember some of the times that we share. The older I get the less the memory bank holds. It’s funny the small things that you hold onto about a person. Small, seemingly menial things but they aren’t. If it is memorable then it matters.

I am going to decompress and try to kick back I would like to go to sleep soon and I have had a rough day. I really hate days that I get into my own head about my situation. I do not get down really I mean it upsets me but I guess if it were going to happen to someone at least it is me. I know what I can handle and I have been thoroughly tested. Some people are different they don’t fare as well. I would not say anyone is weaker than another. We all have moments of weakness. Any of those moments could have led to different results.

I will say I have gained a lot more clarity in my 30’s. I am a lot more relaxed. That was hard to do for me. I wouldn’t say I was anal but I was tightly wound. I think that a lot had to do with my marital situation and absolutely the domestic violence. I know not everyone knows about my life like that. Honestly there isn’t a living soul that knows everything about my life but me. That is really true for all of us though. I just gauge what to tell people. I have had too many things used as ammunition against me. I can pass on that ever happening again. What a way to make a trauma traumatic in a different way…. In my experience they like to hurl these things that you have told them about you until they find one that sticks. Then they will hammer you with it. It is as if to break you. I used to call it my “Red Button.” It is pretty hard to make me really mad. But, there are a few people who know where to hit and how hard to throw the punch. You know, the “trigger” shot.

I am going to go finally try to decompress if I can. I am ready to start tomorrow. I would like to just for one day stick to my normal schedule without the weird interruptions that life interjects in. Yeah, I know that is just tough shit 😂. One can hope right? I have my down moments but I will not be miserable I have spent a lot of time feeling that way and I won’t ever again.

Good Night Y’all!