Any and Everything

July 13, 2024

Today would have been my mother’s 55 birthday. It is funny I knew it was coming. Yesterday I reminded myself. I forgot until about mid-day. Not that this occasion is shrouded in hurt and sadness. It isn’t for me. It is just a day that I can easily get lost in thought. Nothing bad.

I have booked an Air B&B and I am going to see him this time. I am excited. It isn’t for a couple of weeks but just having a plan in place is reassuring. I know that I am a creature that needs reassurance. It is due to emotional traumas. I will say half the battle with the way I am was realizing that is what I need. Reassurance. I have been not stopping myself. See before, everything that I did was strategic. Because there was no emotion involved. I wasn’t ok with allowing myself to do that because I wasn’t ready. I wouldn’t say that I know that I am ready now but what I feel is not a mirage. I am not projecting. This is not a rebound. I have picked this apart. I have been allowing myself to share more than I normally do. He hasn’t started running yet.

I am afraid of being hurt. I have compartmentalized my emotions for a while now. Since before Josh passed. I have come to the realization that I want to enjoy this far more than I am scared of the pain. For someone like me. I have been through this twice already. Loss in any form is debilitating. For me It was/is.

I like to give people little doses of me until I am sure they can handle it. I think that I will always be that way. I have become pretty private. Don’t confuse the way that I am in a social setting with how I feel and the things that I covet. Privacy I covet. Not everyone needs to know how I feel about things and that includes people.

Our lives do not last long enough to pass a moment to be happy.

When I think about him which is a lot. I do have the fuzzy feeling that we casually describe as butterflies. For now I’ll take it.

I got to go work 😉