Any and Everything

July 11, 2024

I do not even know what I want to write about. I feel good. I have been going through photos on my Mac. I haven’t done that in ages. It is hard for me to separate the bad from the good. I see photos where I clearly look happy but I know that I wasn’t. Stirs up memories for me. It is not a bad thing. I knew before Josh died that this was going to be an emotional rollercoaster. Well, I’m strapped in and going with the flow.

I asked his mom if she would watch the girls at the end of the month and I am happy she said she would. They really don’t know her very well. I am not going to force a relationship between her and the children. I will help facilitate one… but forcing it… I won’t do.

I have been overly productive today… That is something I haven’t done in a while but it is getting to be that time of year again. School will start and business as usual will resume. I like to get up between 4 and 6am. I’m ready to get back to it honestly.

I know you know. But I am opening up to things. I finally asked him if I could post a photo. He had no problem with it. It seems minor in the big scheme of things but I don’t do that. I don’t allow that part of my life to be seen unless I want it to be. The more people you let in on something… The more chances it has to be ruined. I am very aware of this. Hell, when Gabe was posting comments on my fb… intimate comments… I busted ass to get rid of them. I am very private in that realm. So, it means quite a bit to me. Like I am telling a secret. I mean it isn’t a secret. I am not hiding anything.

I have been enjoying the intimacy that privacy gives. I’m going to just be blunt because I don’t know how to tactfully break it down other than just saying it. I am flattered by all the attention. I really am but I am only thinking about one man right now. Life changes with an instant and I know at any moment things can chance but for now… that is where my head is at. I can’t say what grabs my attention or what holds my attention but he has gotten my attention and has maintained it. I am intrigued. If you know me… My attention span for my toys never lasts long… He isn’t a play thing for me. It is beyond that.

I still love my classes. I just do. I am finally getting to the stuff I was so excited to learn. Make my class work and homework so easy. Well, because I enjoy the subjects. I need to stop procrastinating and start really going through Josh’s stuff. I just haven’t yet. I relocated most of it but I haven’t gone through it yet. I will. I won’t rush because I know me and I won’t respond well.

There are so many things that I really need to get done around this house. It seems like when I have my sights set on doing one thing something else breaks and my attention must be diverted. I was asked why I was still single earlier. I don’t know why we as a society even feel that it is ok to ask someone that. I mean … not that it is anyone’s business really but I am not trying to just jump from one thing to another. I have never really been what I would call single until now. I feel like I have always had someone. I wanted to be my someone. Until very recently I did not feel that kind of connection with anyone.

I am not even joking a little. Barely a conversation with them and most of the time I was planning my escape route. I showed little to no interest because I had no real interest in them. Not with him it is different. That is terrible but it is the truth. One thing I promised myself when I started this is that I am going to be honest. Being honest is the only way that I am going to work through things. I know that. Plus honesty is freeing. It really is.

I suppose I am going to kick these kids out of my house (kids have friends over) and kick back. I don’t know if I will sleep well tonight I can feel my anxiety. It’s like that sometimes when I dig into the past.

Good night Y’all sleep well.