Any and Everything

July 9, 2024

I am feeling better today. I mean I still feel the same. I have just been able to process my emotions. Boy did I. I ended up with a headache from crying. And before anyone says anything… Yes, I cry and no worries nothing is or was wrong. Just an emotional day. I have those just like everyone else. I just do it privately. I mean except for through this. I am back on my “A” game. I needed that though. I used to bottle things up. I refuse to do that anymore and it has been amazing for my psyche.

I have been listening to music. I mean I did everything else I needed to do. I just needed to shuffle through my lists. I will say I love how music takes you back to places or brings emotions up that you hadn’t thought of in a long while. I hate it as well. Some places I’d prefer to not visit again. It’s okay though, it is insightful.

There are so many songs that I came across that I had forgotten about. It is not funny but funny Josh always used to say our song was “My Own Worst Enemy” by Lit. I took a good listen today and it made me laugh just a little. As I listened to the lyrics. I can see why he would say that. I got the joke back then but looking back on everything from where I am now… I see a darker sort of humor behind it all. Josh always had a sense of humor. That is one thing that definitely never declined. Oh and of course “Champagne Supernova” has to come on. This one take me back to my friends. The ones that I have always and will always be friends with. I can close my eyes and see summer 2005-ish at the lake house… Monica and her jet ski, Late nights playing cards. Listening to music. Tubing! And wakeboarding… took me a while to get up but I did eventually. Those were some fun days before real responsibilities. I am glad that I had those days. Not everyone has that privilege.

When I say I like all music I really mean it. I love to watch people as I go through my playlist. Like on a road-trip. I even shocked Josh and he was married to me for a very long time. I think it was the time it went from “Fancy” by Reba to “Bagbak” by Vince Staples. I have no shame what so ever I like what I like. I just recently downloaded “Family Tradition” the kids are gonna love it.

I am glad I did this today it has occupied my mind. Sometimes I need that to keep my sanity. It is hard to find any continuous moments of quiet with all of the children. Not just mine. It is summer the kids from all about the neighborhood drop by… I don’t mind. Once school starts back everyone goes back to normal life. I will miss the chaos. I made a decision this morning. I am not going to wallow. I am going to get myself together and do what I had always planned to do. Be happy.

One way or the other I am going to be happy I at least deserve that. I feel like I have paid my dues more than once to at least receive that. Well, the reality is I am responsible for my own happiness. I always have been and I always will be. It isn’t that people “make us” feel certain ways it is we “allow” them to. It isn’t something that I haven’ known. You can know something and not really understand. I now understand.

Control is something that is hard for people to grasp. Lack of control spins some into chaos. I’m still figuring that out. To let go of what can’t be controlled and worry about that the things that can… like myself…. My decisions… My reactions. I’ll be honest I have to say that I still have my moments. I am human. The day I die will be the day I stop learning new things. I will always be intrigued by things that I don’t know. There will always be things that I don’t know.

I am better today. That I can comfortably say without a doubt. I aim to make tomorrow just as good. I needed to get out of whatever little funk I was trying to drag myself into yesterday. Maybe I just needed to feel all that. I just needed to get it out. It is what it is.

Feeling is not always fun. But I will say the bad times that is experienced through emotions are worth it. Because the good experiences are indescribable. That is my observation and experience. I am a risk taker. I have proven that far more than once. I am not scared of being hurt. I dread the notion that I am willingly accepting of that outcome. I think that would be understandable given my past. See, with Robert we were still in that immature “I love everything about you, you hung the moon” phase. There was a fair bit of lust in there.

With Josh it started out like that but we were together long enough that I experienced many different moods of marriage. In the end I loved him. It was love that made me take care of him in the end. That is real love. A man that had not always been the best person to me. I know I had my moments. He was a belligerent alcoholic. No one would have blamed me if I had chose not to.

I would never do that. Turn my back on someone that I shared half of my life with. The thing for me is, I have to be able to be okay with myself. At the end of the day he had no one else. My children will look back and understand why. On a more mature level. Sure I could have just not. But I wouldn’t be able to look myself in the mirror.

Back to my point, feelings are not fun. Not always. The fun ones are amazing though. I better get off here 👀 I am going to leave you with a fun song that I used to love blasting when I took the top off of the Jeep. Have an amazing Tuesday!