Any and Everything

July 8, 2024

I had an amazing night. It is hard to believe I just saw him this morning. Today has been a long one for me. I thought maybe taking a moment to get it out would help me a bit. I miss him. I haven’t like missed someone as a person since Josh. There were times where I missed physical comfort. That could be derived easily. But, this is the first time I miss someone as a person. I don’t choose to let my guard down with people and I did with him. I have upset myself. That is the best I can describe it. I am not sad. I actually would like to see him again. I just know the pain that goes with this.

I also know that some of the happiest times in life tend to be marred with some sort of affliction. Nothing is free. At least that has been my experience. There is always a price to be paid. That is ok. I deserve to feel for once. And boy do I. I would explain more in depth why I am feeling this way… the thing that I noticed that facilitated these thoughts…but it is really personal and I am not ready to share that. It isn’t even bad or dirty. That is kind of funny. You would think that it is something risqué or taboo. It is quite the opposite but for me it is something that facilitates deeper connections. For me it does anyways. It’s ok. Tomorrow I will be ok. Today I am ok just not entirely my self.

Either way no matter what this is a learning moment. I am going to have to stop being so cold to everyone. I don’t try to be. I wasn’t always. But, being that way has saved me more than it ever hurt me. I am trying to unlearn it. I am seeing that maybe I have to just allow it to organically happen. I think this may be the way. I have gotten almost too good at not bottling my emotions. Oh, today I absolutely could not bottle a bit of it up. Just not possible.

I thought this would help sort some of my thoughts out. I don’t feel them sorted one bit. I am just confused. Not on how I feel I don’t care to see anyone else and I just won’t. That doesn’t mean that I expect that in return. I don’t believe that is expected of me. But I just don’t want anyone else. That is… not hard for me to admit… but it is different. It is confusing for someone like me who tries so hard to not get emotional.

It happened… Doesn’t mean I will get all crazy and be someone different. That is not what happens. I just am considerate in cases where I would not normally be. I actually value a person that I care about. It isn’t that I don’t value others but it is different I don’t have these connections with people. Where you can joke about really stupid shit and have the best time ever. Where you both just pass out but sleeping is the best time ever just because you are together. I took a picture because even I know that each time may be the last. I would post it because I do like it but I value anonymity and other’s anonymity so I won’t. I am happy I have it though.

Eh, I need to stop thinking too much and go do something productive. That would be good. I am off tomorrow Well, kindof, I am going to get up, go to the gym, park, store, and then come home and do my homework. Of course I always say I am not working but I always somehow end up doing something for someone. I don’t mind. A busy mind is an occupied one. I need that right now for a bit.

I hope everyone has a good night. I am going to. I am happy I hope that hasn’t been lost in my thoughts above. I am happy. I am just not used to being happy. Not really. Night Y’all!