Any and Everything

July 6, 2024

I am so very happy. I don’t typically post about men on my social medias. I just don’t see it as being necessary. But I go back to this photo that I took of him and I just can’t help it I want to share my excitement. Of course I didn’t use his name or show his face but I did post to my snap. Brazen move for me. I wouldn’t read too much into it though I am a finicky creature. I still tend to shut down quickly. I hope I don’t do that. I do not appreciate when I self sabotage… I am good at it.

He will be here tomorrow. I am doing something for him that I have never done. I am going darkish while he is here. I want to spend every moment I can with him. Not on a phone or worried about other things. I want to give him my undivided attention. I love when we get to spend time together. It is comfortable.

One of the twins asked me if I “Liked” him the other day. I was honest with her. It is the first time I have been asked that by one of the girls. Not that they know a lot about that part of my life. But, I am sure she can tell that this time things are a bit different.

I want him to come and be with me. If I could I would go more and be with him. In a perfect world… right? Then of course the therapist in me comes out and tries to analyze everything that I am feeling. When all I want to do is enjoy the feeling. I am a closeted over thinker. I am trying to break that habit. It is so hard to do. I have actually been successful in not doing that in regards to other situations… but I also didn’t care about any of them. I literally did not care how they felt for the most part. I do him. I genuinely like and respect him. That goes a long way in my book.

I can’t wait to smell him. So weird… yes I am aware. There is just something about the way a man’s chosen cologne mixes with his pheromones. I’m either attracted or not. And I am very attracted to him.

I am sitting backstage of the radio show. I know it sounds fancy but I am at home sitting in my bedroom with all of my devices ready to go. There is a lot of multitasking on my end and I love every minute of it. I have more to say so I will be back when I get some time.

She’s a Killer Queen
Gunpowder, gelatine
Dynamite with a laser beam
Guaranteed to blow your mind
Anytime

~Queen

I am towards the end of the show there is not much for me to do once the primary players go to bed. Or I guess once I get into my flow. It has been a good night. We are downhill now. I am so ready to see him. I haven’t stopped thinking about him. The only man I have an album of. I shouldn’t even be admitting that. It’s is exposing a vulnerability. I don’t like doing that. I mean, who would? Right? I feel ok with admitting it. I am totally going to the gym Tuesday and getting back on track I have totally let my schedule fall to the side. I need to get back on track. I mean don’t get me wrong I make sure that I have my work, school work, and kids stuff done. It is time to build in times for myself again. Like that little bit at the gym in the morning. I like that time. I never did it for the physical benefit. I mean that is a bonus. I neededThe something to lose myself in.

I look at this meme and it brings to light the humor in things. We logically know how things end. We just do. It doesn’t seem to be a matter of “If” it is more of a “When.” God, I am so jaded it isn’t even funny. Or maybe it is a little funny. In an Ironic sort of way… Even though I understand that this leads to pain. I still take a step forward. We all do we have all been there. It is part of being a human. Emotions are complex. They can not all be explained.

I am in no way some prize I have baggage that comes along with me. I am aware and I am honest about it. I try to be. I don’t want to brace for impact before that time is anywhere in sight. See, there is that overthinker again. I need get out of my head. Enjoy the moment. I am totally going dark and focusing on that. I deserve it and more importantly he deserves my time, energy, and effort.

I am sorry I just don’t have many happy places and so far I have found one in him. That wasn’t my intention. I don’t think we can choose these sorts of things. I mean to a certain degree of course we do choose but biology plays a role among other factors that must be considered. I think life would be a whole lot easier if we were able to choose with our brains the person to be with. That just isn’t how it works out. I have always been open to outliers. I have to be, it would be naive of me to not consider them. I am not baffled I am being overly analytical. It is just part of my process. I don’t even know how this is going to go. I mean I have a pretty good idea. It isn’t like we haven’t been with eachother before. I just want to relish every minute that I have because I just don’t know if this will be the last time we will see eachother. One can not predict the future but can definitely live in the present and that is what I aim to do.

Oh dear, Trey reached out to me today. I hesitated but I did nip it in the bud. I was going to just block him but I am a firm believer in acknowledgement. He asked me a ridiculous question. I didn’t answer and he proceeded to poke the bear. So, in my true Ice Princess fashion I coldly answered. He asked me again but in a different way. I just shortly answered. I don’t want anyone to have some misunderstanding. I really did just want to leave it alone. It has been a long while. There needed to be no communication whatsoever. That is where I leave that because there is literally nothing else to say about it.

Tonight has been one of those nights. I have something to look forward to and that is an amazing feeling. I can’t wait to let the world melt away for just a moment. I am in week 2 of my new classes I like them so much more than the last 2 classes. I mean they were good I enjoyed them more than stats. I suppose I should stop rambling. I won’t be posting tomorrow… Well I do not anticipate posting tomorrow. I hope you all have an amazing night. Or morning for some of us.