Any and Everything

July 4, 2024

Today I feel like blowing some shit up. I remember the old days when families used to get together every holiday. Heck they would have weekly bar-b-ques. I miss those days. I only experienced them from the lens of a child. It would have been nice to see what that was like from the perspective of the adults. Times have changed and true to form they will continue to evolve.

I was going to start this next statement with an “I am sorry…” That would have been a lie. I am not sorry in the least little bit that I still have emotions. I honestly, this is going to be terrible, didn’t think that I did anymore. I mean I knew that I did. Obviously, I am human. But, I did go through a long time that nothing bothered me. Not even a little bit. I think someone referred to me as a block of ice. At that point I was or I suppose we can say that I just didn’t have that much interest in them. I am hot or cold. There is no happy medium. I spent time exploring and meeting people. I can’t honestly say it was been fun at times. But at the end of the day it was just a whole lot of empty.

I’ll let you in on a little secret. I met this person that I am enamored with during the height of that period when I was not ready for anything more than fun. We talked which was not customary for me. It is easier to move along if you don’t spark a connection. I am still a firm believer in that. Doesn’t mean it is something I wish to do but there is a lot of truth in it. We hung out once and then, per my typical trend, I distanced myself. I am glad he reached back out I did like him for me It was his eyes and his voice. There are some people you are just drawn to. I didn’t distance myself because I didn’t like him. There have been men that I put off because I don’t want to be “that person”…at the time I could tell they were looking for more than what I was willing to give. I am not saying that was him. I was just in a very “laissez-faire” state of mind. The small notion that he may not be interested, I would just move along. Heck, I was not where I needed to be to consider someone else’s feelings. I won’t intentionally hurt anyone’s feelings ever. I try to always be upfront and honest.

I am on this little 4th of July rant because I didn’t even notice but we talked for over 2 hours today. I haven’t talked to anyone for that long in so long I can’t recall. I enjoyed every minute of it. I have been really thinking about how I literally just cut the idea of something off because I’m only interested in one person. I mean I have done it out of boredom and many other reasons. Not because I had someone else on my mind. I know I make it sound like we are exclusive. We have not set official boundaries like that I mean I feel like we are exclusive but… we haven’t gone to that place that requires labels. It isn’t that I don’t care. I just want to enjoy this time.

If you have read entries prior to this, they go waaaay back to when Josh was still alive. I have almost always been upfront about the fact that I am ok by myself. I actually prefer it. That is still true. But, the right person would be fun to have around. I don’t need anyone for financial support. I am lucky in that respects. I mean I am in no way well off but I take care of everything that needs to be taken care of. It would just be nice to hang out with someone you enjoy. To crawl into bed and watch a really stupid movie as you drift off to sleep.

Sounds boring. I don’t care. Those are some of the best times. I don’t just want anyone either. A warm body is easy to find. I want something deeper. Something that makes it different. I feel that way about him. I have been really careful who I let into my life. I mean really careful. I have people who think they know me inside and out, when they really don’t know much at all. They know what I have let them know. I catch myself slipping with him. It isn’t a bad thing my guard is just not up. Sometimes I wonder if I have said too much but he isn’t running yet. It is because I am nervous. I know… shocking for me as well. That is a good thing being nervous is a feeling I don’t really get much… It means I like him a substantial amount. I value him as a person. Time is a valuable commodity that people our age do not expend frivolously. A two hour phone call is a large quantity of time for both of us. But I would do it any and every time he calls. There is no one else that I would rather spend time with.

I am sorry I know this is BOOM BOOM POW holiday. I am over here rambling. It is how I work through my thoughts. Sometimes you are privy to my realizations before I am. Oh and I am sure you can tell when I am confused about something. I do not like not knowing why I am feeling a certain way. So I will talk things to death until I have an “Ah-Ha” moment. I am stubborn that can take a while sometimes.

I can hear one of my daughter’s on her four-wheeler. The sun is beginning to set. Looks like fireworks will be soon. I am honestly ready for Sunday to be here. I can not wait. I am ecstatic. I haven’t missed someone in a long time I can’t wait…

Y’all light a sparkler for me 😉 and have an amazing night!