Any and Everything

July 2, 2024

I think that it is important that I make sure to journal over these next few days. I think a lot about our wedding. It was so much fun. So personable. Just a few friends, the preacher, and us. At dawn on the pier. That was just so much fun. I will tell you something that most people don’t know. We had planned to be married today July 2nd. But we had indulged in some gel tabs from Bonnaroo. It resulted in a crazy night where we enjoyed a heat storm on the dock, thought we were being chased by the cops, and literally lost the best man somewhere on the beach. Lucky for us it is a pretty private place. But… we were unable to participate in nuptials July 2nd so we moved it to July 3rd. 17 years ago. So long ago.

I miss those days. The ones where drinking didn’t dictate our lives. I will never go back there again. I won’t allow it. I watched it ruin Josh. Not only Josh, it ruined us. Everything that I had hoped for and our aspirations that we had together were drowned in the end. I know things were rocky and I don’t lose sight of that but our relationship was so complex and layered. There are things that only he and I know…. Knew…. The person that I could talk about these things with is not here anymore and no one else will understand. Not in the same way.

I am not looking for rainbows and glitter. But I want to feel alive again. That is the best way that I can describe it. I just want to feel alive. I do feel sparks when I am with The Deacon I will admit that. But, we talk it goes deeper than just sex. If it were just sex I would have already moved on by now. I have a short attention span. I mean don’t get me wrong I am sure I could have forced a connection with someone. That isn’t me. I won’t do that because at the end of the day it should just be fluid. I will say that he may come see me. I have wanted to be excited about it but I won’t do that to myself. Not, that I will be upset if it doesn’t happen but even if I am not getting my hopes up there will be a bit of disappointment. I would be lying if I said that I would be ok.

Having said that, I would be Ok. I just may need a day to go through the feelings I will be having. I tend to pick myself back up pretty quick. Part of that is certainly the fact that I am needed in other avenues. I have kids, I have school, I have work, I have friends. All these things make my life better. I can’t be down for too long when I step back and look at the picture as a whole.

I can be sad for the next couple of days. I will be sad. I miss him. I know there are people who have no idea why I would say that. But, these are the same people who didn’t really know him before. Didn’t see us together. They don’t know and I can’t fault them there. Hell, I’d probably be right there with them wondering how someone could miss a person who wasn’t the best to them. I get it. I sometimes ask myself how I can. The reality of life is it is messy. Masterpieces do not come from clean slates.

The most beautiful people have the worst demons. Before he gave up and just threw everything away we had an amazing relationship. The fun that we had. I am so happy we got to share those experiences together. There is no one I would have rather spent that time and done those things with. I will always miss him. Because I knew him, like really knew him. We were literally together all day everyday. I will always miss his presence and the fact that my children have had to do through losing a parent at a young age. It isn’t fair to them. It just is an emotional trauma that I would give anything to have spared them from. I lost Mom when I was 30. That loss still resonates with me now. I don’t get into that much but it is a difficult topic for me to delve into. I’ll save that for another time I feel like being overly emotional for no reason.

I am going to get fireworks and I am going to cook ribs, make Mexican street corn, and baked beans. It is going to be a good 4th of July. I promised myself that. I honestly haven’t felt like doing much. I mean I make myself celebrate and do all of that but I want to feel like it again. I don’t know if that makes much sense.

I suppose I had better wrap this up. Tomorrow is going to be a day… I am glad we are doing spaces. It will give me a mental break from being sad. I’ll admit it. I am going to be sad. I am human. I know it is there I can feel it creeping up and that is okay. I need to feel and I need to go through these grieving processes to get to the other side of it. No matter what I do this will always be here. I will always feel some way about this. I need to let myself do it and know that it is ok to feel however it is that I feel. I grew tired of people telling me how I should feel long ago. I don’t do that anymore. It isn’t worth the internal war it creates.

Good night Y’all 🙂