Any and Everything

July 1, 2024

I don’t know why I chose the title “Transgression” it just rang true. Well, the lack there of rings true to me here lately. I have lived a relatively peaceful existence. I do hope to get my footing a bit more. This house needs to be gone through again. I feel like it is never ending. Today I had to spend most of my day doing unscheduled parent stuff. I will leave it at that. Tomorrow I will get back into my flow of gym, park, store, homework, and work. I do have an electrician coming tomorrow.

I was going to get to the kitchen, foyer, and coffee room today. I was also going to mow finally. Yeah, that didn’t happen. Well, I did go over the kitchen but I had to run out before I could do the rest. I came home, finished reading, and wrote my paper. I will have to do more stuff tomorrow but I am glad that I am staying on task with that area. No, if anything affected my parenting or my schooling I would immediately eliminate whatever it was from my life. Without a doubt. That would be very counterproductive to what I am aiming for. I was asked recently where do I see myself? What is my end goal? I have no real answer besides living a satisfactory life. I don’t even think I was able to convey it in that way when asked. A lot of times I have to think about how to explain things in a way that make sense but also convey my meaning accurately. It isn’t always easy. But it does help eliminate any confusion.

It is flattering… Getting all of the messages from guys… but the thing is if I don’t talk to you on a norm, if you don’t have my personal number, and I don’t always respond to you… then I am not interested. It isn’t that I am not interested in making new friendships. I always am but I do not always connect with everyone. I am realizing that some people seem to think that we have some deep rooted connections that in reality do not exist. I have had to tell two men this week in no uncertain terms that I am not interested. I am not. I thought the signs were clear. Alas, I was mistaken. I hate being in that position because I really try to be sensitive to the fact that it is not easy to tell someone you like them on a level that is beyond friendship. I get that. I try to always keep that in mind. But these same men will do this again in a month or two. My answer will be the same.

I want to be honest with myself without oversharing with everyone. That is hard for me. I really am a very private person. I don’t do the ”kiss and tell” bullshit. I just do not. I wake up thinking about someone and I go to sleep thinking about him too. That is not ceasing. I had hoped it would fade a bit because the inevitable ending wouldn’t be so hard. I have also been telling myself to stop being such a Debbie Downer. I get that way at times. So pessimistic. I don’t stay that way long but it is not fun having negative thoughts about situations that haven’t even occured. For things that aren’ that deep. Not at the moment. It could be my perceived notion that things could get serious and then real hurt is the inevitable. Either way I don’t really want to think or dwell on things that have not happened. I want to just enjoy living. I don’t mean I want to live hedonistically but I do want to not worry so much about things that are not within my ability to control.

I want to enjoy the here and now. I want to do things. I am glad that I have someone that I enjoy. A little bit of happiness just for myself. I remember a friend had gotten onto me (in a friendly manner) about not telling him about going to meet The Deacon for the first time. My reply was, “ I just wanted to have something for myself.” I told Brit and shared my location with her… I am actually still sharing my location with her and vis-versa. I want to keep something for myself. There is no need to flaunt a thing to show that it is special to you. To me, as long as I can keep something like that for myself I do. Beecause the more people involved the more complex a situation becomes. And complexity is unnecessary at this moment in time.

I will say I have had some rougher days. I knew I would at this time. I am quieter. I know I am. I build a fortress and prepare for a hurricane. That is the best way I can describe it. I am actively not barricading myself from a couple of people. It is so hard especially because I catch myself doing it. I don’t try to do it, it just comes natural and it feels so unnatural trying to correct this behavior. That is not how I want to move forward. Not at all.

I hope all have an amazing Monday. I am going to actually try to go to bed early tonight. I have a pretty busy day tomorrow. I am definitely not complaining. Busy keeps my mind busy and right now… I really need that. ❤️