Any and Everything

June 26, 2024

And I’m tired of letting someone get the best of me, so go ahead and-
Cry,
Go ahead and ruin someone else’s life
Cry,
Go bug somebody else, so I can sleep at night

Benson Boone

” Cry” by Benson Boone is a song that has been at the forefront of my playlists lately. I feel it. I love the beat. More importantly, I can close my eyes, kick back, and listen. Nothing is more beautiful than a few moments in peace, only when one thinks of the words and the beat. Maybe I am a bit mad at myself for letting my guard down more than I should with some people. That flaw will be corrected. I promise myself that. One thing that I am good at is compartmentalizing and keeping people at arm’s length. I am almost too good at it.

I wouldn’t consider myself sad. Maybe disappointed … I can align it with that. That doesn’t mean I think that wrong has been done. I need to do these self-evaluations here and there. If I don’t, then I risk losing myself to someone or something that would be counterproductive. I joke about it, but I break my heart far more than I would ever let anyone else.

I am approaching what would have been Josh and my anniversary. I do think that I would be lying if I said that I am not going to go through some emotions. Hell, I may check out a bit around that time, purely for my mental health. There are so many things that have been thrown at me in life. I have my “pitiful me” moments. They don’t last long. It isn’t in my nature to feel that way. I can’t wallow. I don’t want to.

I have my demons. Ones that I lock in a trunk at night while I slumber. I seem okay because I am; that is where compartmentalizing my emotions comes in handy. It is strange, like a switch I can turn off or on depending on the situation. I have encountered a couple of instances where I could not grasp myself. I made a slight public display of emotion. Learning experiences… that is what those were. I know it sounds so mechanical. It isn’t in practice; it is pretty fluid. It is just my defense mechanism… one of them. It is important to me that I am honest with myself, especially in this realm.

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