June 27, 2024
I took a break from writing this last night to attend the spaces. I had to… that is the little party I attend every week. All my friends are there, and I get to spend some much-needed decompression time with them. It is funny we are a small group of fascinating people. Every single one of them has something extraordinary about them. It is why I am drawn to the people I am drawn to. They have something unique that I value. It sucks that life had to drag me here to find them. I am figuring out many things about myself, but I am okay with who I am. Had the things in my life not happened, I would not be the same. I am OK with the ‘me’ now.
I’m watching one of my favorite movies. It is more about the soundtrack than the movie, but it is Rock of Ages. It is fitting that I work on a radio show that plays 70’s, 80’s, and 90’s music. I get a kick out of it. I have always loved the music. It just makes sense. Funny enough, I accepted the job without knowing what music would be played. It is just a bonus, cherry on top, if you will.
I finally got my title… It only took forever. I would throw my hat in the pile because I do this job anyway… I am The Mean Machine’s personal assistant. It makes perfect sense. I already have been fulfilling the duties of a personal assistant…. I may as well take the title. I work closely with our station manager… it all just makes sense.
I was a bit somber yesterday, I will admit that. I have my moments still. It is hard to describe. A sort of melancholy; it just happens. I wish I could say for no reason, but that is the biggest lie I could tell myself. I have so many reasons to be sad. I let myself go there every once in a while. It is healthy to grieve. Being from the South, I was taught that we do not do that publicly. We do not admit to having a hard mental day. No, that is seen as weak. We are supposed to put up this pretty display of fake smiles and pleasant words.
I don’t do that anymore. I may not always say everything I think or feel, but I do not fake being okay. I won’t ever do that again for anyone. I should never have to do that for anyone. I am so bad at being alone. Well, I was terrible at being alone. I have embraced it over these last couple of months. I have seen the one I wanted to. It has been a minute… but I don’t feel like wasting my time on people I don’t want to spend time with. I am no longer “passing time.” I don’t consider spending time with him as wasteful. I even make time for calls because I enjoy them a lot.
I am in no way reading too much into things. I slept on it last night and will not plan or assume anything. I like what it is. I don’t have any intentions, which is so weird to admit. I can be an overthinker. I was an overthinker. I’ve loosened up a bit as far as that goes, and I like it. Less pressure. Can feelings be hurt?… That is always a possibility with anything. Hell, if I get a bag of blow pops and they don’t have one grape… my feelings may get hurt.
In all seriousness. I have just needed some of these reflection days. I think I am heading in the right direction. I have had some conflicting emotions recently. I had to sort them out. It is not my favorite activity, but it is necessary. And I am feeling much better. I had a couple of dark days. I have not been on my ‘A’ game since then. But I decompressed today and am back at 7 am tomorrow to the typically scheduled program…. if you know what I mean.
I am going to spend the rest of my day watching my fav movies…
I hope that wasn’t too boring or TMI. I type as I am thinking. Sometimes, my thoughts can be all over the place. It is probably why this is a good therapy tool for me.
Good Night Y’all!
Any and Everything 
Leave a comment