Any and Everything

June 24, 2024

I don’t like to live my life immersed within my reflections of situations. That is never a good place to linger longly; in my experience, that is. I am relearning myself… with that comes the inevitable moments of hindsight. One would think that I have moments of “I wish I had…” or “I regret this….” I don’t. Shocking to some. I have learned a lot of new things about how I deal with trauma. Not my favorite places to go but I venture there too much at times. I think this is just part of my process.

A good friend of mine recently had a breakup. I feel horrible for him. He is in much like a situation where we lost our partner to death. That shit makes you shut down towards poeple. I feel like it is some fucked up defense mechanism we use because if we don’t get close to anyone then we eliminate that risk altogether. I didn’t say it is healthy but I am admiting that I do this. The point is… it almost hurts more than being widowed…opening up to someone new. For people who have been hurt as we have, that is so risky. I just feel for him.

I was able to catch a little taste of getting my feelings hurt recently. I let my guard down for only a brief period. I got too comfortable. It was around this time period that I started to notice how I compartmentalize things. Well, my emotions. I also realized that if anyone hurts me… It is just me letting them. I won’t be doing that anytime soon.

I have a friend who likes to joke that I am mysterious, which is the intrigue that some have with me… I hate to burst bubbles here, but… I am very dull. These people clearly haven’t checked this place out. I know that I don’t make entries as often as I used to.

The thing is, I am picky about who I choose to share with and what I share with them. Not everyone can handle the same amount of information. I wouldn’t say I operate on a need-to-know basis… but I do. It keeps life simple. Come to think of it, no one I know, knows everything about me. I suppose anyone could relate to that because at the end who else will know everything about you but yourself.

Work is work. School is school. I am enjoying being busy. I am learning new things within the radio industry. It is facinating. I am never bored.

I have unintentionally been letting my guard down here and there. He is the only one I have been talking to. I recently noticed I have been letting him in a bit more than I usually would. I should be terrified after that small hint of hurt after Gabe. But, I am not. I am cautious as it is just my nature as of late. I also don’t want to do that thing where I self sabotage and light a match while I’m standing in the middle of a gasoline soaked bridge… I know… I hurt me more than anyone else ever could. Again, it’s this warped defense mechanism that I have somehow perfected.

I am not trying to do that this time. I just don’t want to. I have to stop shutting down and buiding a metaphorical fortress around myself. I have gotten better about that and have been avoiding people lately. Mostly people who have this warped ideology that I am some how ready to hurry and get married… they feel the need to “shoot” this invisible shot that they perceive is theirs. Besides my few male friends… mostly guys I work with… my attention is occupied. Do I think it is going in any direction? I don’t have any fucking idea. But, I do know I am enjoying it. I do wish I could see him again soon… he has been throwing around July…but if for some reason that doesn’t come to fruition then I will have at least had a great time while it lasted and a taste of that amorous feeling without being marred by deceit.

I do like him on more than a physical level. If you know me, I will admit I do not accept things like that easily. I think it is because by admitting that I open myself up to being vulnerable. Like most, I hate feeling vulnerable. I am trying to allow myself to relax and not overthink things.

Recently I have been asking myself so many questions. Internal dialog is never ending in my head. I suppose we can align that with self-evaluation because I have been doing that. It is so hard to be honest with yourself. I never realized that and when I say “honest” I mean really honest. No painting anyone in a certain light. Trying to see things through different lenses. I mean lets be honest, seeing things from differing points of view can be extremely difficult.

I have been revisiting if I am through this pain of losing Josh. I am ok…I have noticed that I will be ok. And no matter what things will be ok. I just need to keep heading in the direction that I want. One step at a time.

I I suppose I should go to bed. I am going to do my best to block out time to write here. I love this outlet. Tomorrow I have meetings out of the rear, homework to complete, and work. And it isn’t for sure but we are aiming to do another live show this weekend. METAL 😈…

Night Y’all.