Any and Everything

June 19, 2024

Things have been so busy and I haven’t had the time to sit and write about it. I have been seeing this man that is not right for me. I only saw him 2 times and we have been talking for 2 months. Here is the thing… I started a job with my friends and I am loving it. He is sorely mistaken if he thinks I will pick him over that… Not going to happen becaues I love this job… I don’t have an official title yet but you are looking at Killer Queen from New Jersey WGAT 88.6 FM Mean Machine Radio.

I just love it… I love the people I work with. I will not put my wants on a backburner for anybody. That will never happen again. I have done the relationship comes first shit before. I did it. Now it is my turn to be selfish and do what I want to do. And I am. If someone makes me feel bad for no other reason than they want all of my time…. TOO FUCKING BAD.

When I say I am not in the right place for a relationship I mean it. It wouldn’t be fair to the other person. I mean that. Right now I am doing things in a way that I am not necessarily thinking about anyone elses feelings. Sad things is the men in my life will not have to compete with other men. They will have to compete with my social life. Plus, I just am not there yet. I can’t give myself over emotionally to anyone.

When you are where I am… Well, I suppose I can only speak for myself, I can’t force shit… I suppose I could try to force it but we all know that would end in disaster because no matter what, even if I fake it… it wouldn’t be true and then who would be unhappy? Everyone. I will not do that. I am 38 years old it is my turn to find happiness outside of another person. I am and it feels good. I feel like I am doing things that I love. I don’t want to immerse myself in a person with the false ideaology that love will make me happy. In reality I need self love and love of my life to make me happy. I can actually say I’ve had more happy days than nonhappy days lately. I stay busy, which is so great for me because I am happy when I have things to do. When these things make me feel like I am making accomplishments… there is no better feeling.

There are so many more good things to come. I am thankful I am able to take you through this journey with me. I have done some introspection into my life and I will admit. I do have one man that I am inherently drawn to. He reminds me of someone I knew long ago. The Deacon…. I am drawn to him enough that I would try with him. Another part of me thinks that it is just the fact that he lives so far… If he didn’t I don’t know exactly how I would feel in regards to him. I do know he is who I think about when I get up and when I go to bed. The reality of it is… its null. Because it isn’t going to work. It can’t. The thought is nice.

Guess I better go get to work 🙂 Y’all have an amazing day and rest of your week.