Any and Everything

April 14, 2024

I have been having what I like to refer to as an introspective time period. I have been quiet. Not because something is wrong. It is because I am figuring me out. I am changing. The difference is, I feel it. I can tell that is what is going on.

I have been mourning again. I can’t seem to help it. I am not stopping it though. I am allowing myself to feel as I am feeling it. So hard to do but at the same time so beneficial. I find that once that emotion is out… It isn’t over by any means but I feel better.

Last week I went to the gym 3 days which is progress for me. I kindof fell out of doing that around Christmas time. I have tried to reignite that in me but It has been near impossible.

I am doing okay though. I haven’t meant to make people worry this is just my process. I am, and always have been, a loner. I deal with these things within myself. I am so thankful that I have people that I can lean on for support but that just isn’t in my nature.

One of the hardest things that I have done to myself is allow myself to get attached to anyone. That is such a problem. I allowed myself to feel with Gabe. It is still a thorn in my side. Every time I see him I just want to sleep with him. Those carnal thoughts are still there. We did share some very intimate moments. I do cherish the experience with him but I am in search of finding that again. I want to have that “can’t keep your hands off eachother” situation again. It is probably because that is over to be honest with you. I don’t honestly know why I attached to him in such an unhealthy manner but I will tell you there is a large part of me that is glad that it is over.

I would like to say that I am taking some much needed time for reflection but I would be lying. It is happening but I am allowing that to happen organically. I find that I can get to into my own thoughts and mind if I allow myself to and that just negates from the living day to day. I am making it by living day to day and dealing with things as they arise.

That doesn’t mean that I am not addressing things that need addressing. Like I said, I just… I am going through another bout of mourning. This is the tough phase. The one where you mourn all of the good that was lost. All of the good memories. All the moments that bring you comfort. Those moments that you can never live again except through memories. Sometimes I find myself trying so hard to remember his voice that I forget the moment entirely or go someplace else. It was time to mourn in this way and I hate it but I have to go through it in order to get through it all. The other side of this is where I want to be but even I know that I can’t rush the process. As horrible as that notion is because if I could I would skip it all and just be okay.

There is too much that I am responsible for in this life. I can not fail and I can not dwell in one place for too long. I will admit that is helpful for me. Not knowing what is next can be both scary and exhilarating.

I think I am still seeing N I really haven’t been putting in any effort there. I am matching energy. I think it is time to let that fizzle out. I have shown all the interest that I have to show and I honestly just can’t say that I care too much where that goes anymore. Now the kicker is I care for N. Not in an “I am in love” type way. And at this point is that fair to either of us? I want to feel butterflies and rainbows not staleness.

I just felt like rambling a bit and letting everyone into my thoughts for a bit. I am going to go back to enjoying my Sunday with the girls. I hope you all have had an amazing weekend.