Any and Everything

March 30, 2024

I have had the most eventful weekend. I have all of my Easter stuff ready to go. I am just waiting on my youngest to fall asleep. Like most of us parents with younger children. We dyed eggs and did all of the fun stuff you do for Easter.

I did take a trip to see D. I quite enjoyed myself and I am so glad to have had that experience. Even if he and I are never able to meet up again. It was worth the feeling a live. I think we will remain in contact for a while but let’s be honest. Distance really does make a difference. And a hard one at that.

Realistically he has his life in his relative state and I have mine. To intertwine for a brief period was amazing. Two people who would not have met except for social media. I hate to say that I even used it to meet someone but that is how we are doing it nowadays. I am ok with it honestly. I will say… He broke all of my theories as far as height and size goes… I am going to leave it right there. I had a legit mind-fuck this weekend. In a very good way.

I needed this small trip and to meet a man like him. I didn’t just meet him and then run off. We have been face timing for a few weeks. I know there was a risk. I made sure to protect myself and share my location with so many people. Y’all, I had people asking me why I was at the gas station… So people were looking out for me. I don’t think I’ll be doing another trip like that again.

I am so happy that I got to experience him. It opens up the possibility for me to know that I don’t need anything. And having a companion from here to there is not a bad thing. As long as we both are on the same page and understand what we are doing. I feel like I need to scrap it all and reboot myself. I may have to do that. With every new experience that I have I am evolving and changing who I am. My understanding of situations are changing. I am not like I used to be when I was younger… reading too far into everything. I am for once enjoying life for what it is. There is no big hurry, no need to establish anything. It is a good feeling.

I feel confident in myself and what I want to do for now on. I also know that will change throughout time and more experiences. I am okay with that. I love that I have been writing theses entries freehand. I literally write whatever comes to my mind in the moment. What better way for me to have word vomit.

Seriously though, I hope that when reading this people see this as a person writing while they are a work in progress. I suppose as people we are always works in progresses. This is my process and my journey. It isn’t linear, clean, or tidy. This whole situation is messy and has been for a long time. It takes time to pick up the pieces and put them back or rather put them together in the new order they shall go in.

It has been pointed out to me that I tend to be vague. I know I do. I spent so many years training myself to be that way. Now, it is me just wanting to be that way. The less people that I let in the less of a tangled mess I have to sort through. I know that is not the right way to really look at things but sometimes I have to shut myself down and reboot. I have my close circle that understands that. One day I hope to be in the place where I can truly let others in. I am trying. It is so hard when you have spent a lot of your life hiding things and sweeping things under the rug.

I am getting better and I appreciate everyone who has been with me through this process. It is the hardest thing I have ever been through. To lose the person that I have been with for most of my adult life. And myself all at the same time. Talk about trauma and loss. It is ok though I am coming back. A new me, maybe not improved, but definitely a truer me.

I hope you all have an amazing Easter ❤️