Any and Everything

March 26, 2024

Yesterday I was overly emotional all day. Cried at the drop of a hat. That is okay I believe we all have days and need days like that. I woke up today feeling a calm about me. I usually do after one of these days. It is a good feeling and a bad feeling all at once. Almost cleansing.

For me, the day after an emotional day like yesterday leads me to a day like today. When I wake up and just feel like I am home. I don’t mean the sense of home as in my house. It is that old feeling when you returned home, hopped in the shower, and waiting for your mom to make dinner. Just home.

It is days like yesterday that make me progress forward. I really think about things. Nothing and everything become an emotional totem. I am okay though. I don’t “welcome” days like that but I know that in order to grow I must endure them.

I don’t usually want to talk to anyone when I am having a day like that but I did make myself. I didn’t disappear on anyone this time. I did talk to D and I wanted to talk to him. I just enjoy his voice and our personalities just jive so much I feel comfortable with him. I am actually seeing him on Friday and it can’t come soon enough.

Meeting my criteria? Not exactly. But I have always been upfront that things are always negotiable. It has been a long time since I can honestly say that I have been interested in someone as a person. I tried and failed not that long ago. I swore that off. But looks like I am going to do it again. This time I have my guard up. I am trying so hard to invest nothing because even I know that right now is not the right time. No matter how much I may want it to be the cold hard truth is… it is not.

The things I want he can’t give me. Well some of the things that I want and hold important to what I want to do in life and with my life. That is a big thing for me. There are things I do not want to compromise. There are things I WILL not compromise.

To feel butterflies again. I can’t describe that amazing feeling. I know to enjoy it for what it is. These moments do not happen often and when they do happen it isn’t for long. I can not stop thinking about him. I want him on more levels than just sexual. Trust me that desire is there… probably more so than for any other person since Josh and that is saying a lot.

Maybe it is the anticipation? Or maybe it is that I have made a connection with him that is a bit deeper than just the physical. I am not even going to lie. I enjoy looking at him as well. Talking on FaceTime or anything… I just like looking at him.

I don’t fool myself. I know I like the chase and I lose interest quickly. Right now, that is the stage of life that I am at. I have been married. I am a mother. I was a daughter. Now I need to figure out what I am to me. How I want to go about life. It is just one of those things that I am feeling out for myself. Not an easy one. I am not easily taught. I always have to learn the hard way. It is my way. I am not proud of it. Alas, it is the truth.

Why can’t I get this man off of my mind? Will I after we have been together or will that deepen? That is the beauty of living day by day. Experience by experience. I don’t know the answer to that.

For so long I knew the answers to how my life was going to play out. I knew exactly what I would be doing on the day in which I was doing it. I planned everything out. I knew exactly how everyone liked everything done in my house.

All of this has sparked a change in my family. We are all becoming new people and learning our roles. I am seeing an array of emotions flutter through my household. I am seeing that this is making us stronger as a family unit. We naturally circled the wagons when we needed to and it shows. The best feeling that I can pull from this is contentment. I feel like we are all coming to a point where we are finally content. At least I am. Obviously the children have so many ambitions and things to look forward to.

I get to see life from this view now. And I am perfectly okay with that. I find it enlightening in a way. I went from that time period where I looked to my parents to learn, then when I thought they were wrong about everything, to now being the parent whose children think they know nothing.

Such is the natural order and I am okay with that. I am just grateful to live and experience this life with my children. Not everyone is so lucky. I realize that from the deepest depths of my soul. I think often about all of the things Josh will miss. All of the things they will miss him being at. Now realistically with his alcoholism I know that these are fantasies. Hope was never lost. That is where the pain comes from. That held out hope that we would be enough for him to stop but knowing that we were not.

I know and I tell the kids all the time that him drinking was no our faults. I never want them to think they had anything to do with our choices as adults. While, I hate to put it like that… a choice… but they understand that. People do not know what they dealt with and the things that they have seen. Therapy has done wonders but let me tell you… kids are not dumb and they comprehend a lot more than what we give them credit for. I try to always be honest with them.

Wow, I feel like I went all over the board tonight. Thank you for allowing me to ramble to you tonight. I needed a good talk ❤️