Any and Everything

March 23, 2024

I have not written in a moment. I have honestly barely had time to but I need to get better about making time because this gets a lot off of my soul.

Something dawned on me the other day. I have been living this life for others my entire life. I feel like for once it is my turn. I have found that I must be doing this naturally. I have told so many people “No” when I just don’t want to do something. I have been confidently making decisions for myself. I no longer second guess what I think is right.

I don’t know if widows/widowers do that a lot but for a while it was almost like I needed that second “Ok” that other person to confirm my idea is the right one. It feels good. It makes me feel more grounded. I am just living for me. And the kids obviously.

Every time I refer to “me, myself, I, etc” I mean them too. They are honestly my first priority always. I no longer want to have frivolous relations. I would like to have someone that I could have fun with. But I am also not looking for anyone at the moment. What time would I really have to invest in a new friendship? None.

I can honestly look at the whole and understand that doing that would be unfair to someone who does have the time to invest. I won’t do that to anyone purposefully. The fact that I realize that… Means that I would in fact be doing that.

I am not one to say never though. If I were to meet someone and everything just felt right… Who is to know what would happen. Knowing me though I think with my head not my emotions. Especially this time. This time is so different than when Robert died.

I know I was 18 when he died and I had a different brain chemistry than I do now. But, I can say some of the emotions of loss are the same. I felt a lot of familiar feelings and I almost instantly knew how to handle them better than I did before. This time was worse than when Robert passed.

This time I had to watch the man I was will for 18 years die in front of me. Forget all the bad parts within our marriage that was truly a day I would never wish on an enemy if I had one. Seeing my children suffer losing their father at the ages they are broke my heart. Seeing him drunk damaged them enough. I feel like this damn near broke them. I know it did me. I just cover things up well i suppose.

I have always had my emotional moments in private. I don’t really know if that is the “Southern Way” but that is how I have always been taught to do it. I was never taught that emotions are bad or that I should be embarrassed of the emotions that I feel. I have just been taught to excuse myself.

Almost as if I were being told, “Just go over yonder, let that crazy out, then come back composed.” It really did feel like that. Heck it still does.

But…. I am no longer worried about other people other than my children of course. I am going to embrace this being single and just do things that I want to do. Things I need to do. I have a bullwhip now. Of course, I get the usual inappropriate joke 😆 and I don’t mind. I got it because I just want to learn it. How many people can you say know how to work a bulllwhip? I only know one. I would really like to do it too. I am not half bad at it either.

Just one of the things I want to do purely for myself. Just like my upcoming boudoir shoot that I am doing for my birthday, on my birthday. That is purely for me too. It is really my turn to be happy and live a little . The kids seem to be doing much better than before. Therapy is clearly helping. Slowly the pieces to this old puzzle are getting slid back together. I am so thankful of that.

I had a few moments of clarity earlier. Moments where I felt like I did before Robert or Josh died. A feeling I haven’t gotten in 20 years. I felt a glimmer of the old carefree me. Now, I know that person will never come back fully, Let’s be honest, when we grow up and become adults especially with children, the worries never really go away. We are never truly carefree. But that little glimpse of that familiar feeling made my day. See, I now she is still in there and every once in a while I’ll get to feel, for even a moment, that old me.

Have an amazing week ahead 😉 ❤️