Any and Everything

March 5, 2024

I want to really start anew. I am no longer talking to G. It is a good feeling. Of course I was sad at first but it is for the best. We are not compatible long term. I am trying to be more myself. Whatever that means…. I will slowly figure it out I am sure.

I have booked myself a boudoir shoot. I never would have done that when Josh was alive. I don’t think he would make a big deal about it. He was just very much like a helicopter parent. The only difference was, he was not my parent. It wasn’t always like that.

Many times when I tell even a bit of my story I feel like people assume he was always an alcoholic. I didn’t marry an alcoholic or an abusive man. He was wonderful for many years. I know the bad years outweigh the good but I still go back to the good times here lately.

I haven’t cried in a while. Not over Josh. I am sure this is part of the grieving process. I still need to work through the bad times. I know I will never get over it. I take comfort in the fact that with my experiences have given me insights that otherwise I would not have.

The same thing happened after Robert. But many many. Years after. I was in shock for so long. This time I am older and more conditioned to loss in general.

I want to embrace this person that I am becoming. I don’t feel like there is any other way to be. Why fight my evolving? To be stuck in a spot much like quicksand? I can’t I have to keep moving. I don’t know if this is survival mode or what. I don’t feel any certain way like I am on the brink of desolation. I am rather calm and ok with moving forward. Slowly though. Slow and steady… Day by Day.

It is nice to feel this way. I mean my situation sucks at times but I know I can work through it and use my experiences for good. There is no sense for me to wallow in this. It never leaves my mind but I am falling into a new me and I like it. I finally feel open and free. It is a hard thing to explain. I went so long walking on eggshells and not being able to be myself. It is hard to get used to honestly.

I hope you all have an amazing week:)