Any and Everything

February 9, 2024

So, I asked G is he wanted to be my Valentine. He said yes. I didn’t know he was going to take it so seriously. He is taking me out Wednesday night. I am shocked. I am excited but shocked. He doesn’t come off as a romantic or one that I expected to plan something. I haven’t celebrated a Valentine’s Day in years.

That just kind of floored me in a good way and he is off for the weekend starting Wed night. I am super excited. Today I am cleaning the entire main floor of the house. Monday that TV will be hung and it is about time. I can’t stand to have it on my fireplace anymore.

I am always excited on Fridays it is the day I know I get to see G. And I’m not falling in love trust me on that. If this interaction ended tomorrow I would just shrug it off. I am not in a place to give anyone what I don’t yet have. For me I can’t give that love to someone. I am still processing Josh being gone. It still stops me in my tracks at times. Like this morning. I just couldn’t stop thinking about him. I can’t remember his voice. I have listened to old voicemails so many times. The sad part is most of my messages from here are drunken insults and yelling. But it is all I have. That always makes me recall how he spoke to me. He would do anything to feel right. If that meant demeaning me even in public, he would. Towards the last year I didn’t allow him to get away with that I would get loud and just tell him not to talk to me like that. Then I would literally walk off and do what I needed to so I could get out of whatever public place we were in.

I think that was shocking every time I did it. He felt he was losing control and he was. The day I told him I can’t do it anymore… He thought I was joking. I was not, I wouldn’t joke about that kind of stuff. That was hard for me to do I had already been working up to that anyway. The final straw was when he pistol whipped me in front of the kids. That was it for me. It was a loaded gun mind ;you. I don’t even remember why. We normally got into towards the end of his life because he would be nasty to the kids. See I noticed it was Ok in my mind for him to do whatever to me. But not to the kids, I shut that down every time he tried to start in on them.

I suppose I should get started on my chores for the day. I may write a second entry later if I have time. Have a great weekend everyone!