Any and Everything

By

MsAshHole

·

JE 59: Revelation

February 2, 2024 I have really had some talks with myself these last few days. I was so excited when G said he wanted to see me. I played it cool but it made me think. “Why am I so excited?” I’m pretty cold as far as how I approach things. I realize now that…

February 2, 2024

I have really had some talks with myself these last few days. I was so excited when G said he wanted to see me. I played it cool but it made me think. “Why am I so excited?” I’m pretty cold as far as how I approach things. I realize now that my good friends Jordan was right… I think I have developed some sort of affections towards G. Not intentionally. Doesn’t mean anything changes. I still don’t want to be with anyone.

I have started questioning myself. I have a date Saturday… I am ambivalent. I am still going but part of me just wants to spend the weekend with G. No, I need to go out and experience life. I am not settling anymore. Don’t get me wrong G is not settling. He is by far worth the time. I am just not able to give that to anyone. It is kind of sad. Plus his family situation doesn’t go flush with mine. I am too old to change my ways and so is he.

All of this has brought me to the realization that I am not going to be alone forever. I need companionship. While I am not ready yet. One day I will be. I still don’t want to ever get married again. But for now I am slowly dipping into the dating pool. I am not reaching out to anyone but I have people reaching out to me. I have adopted the mentality that if I don’t have a good reason to say No then I won’t. Only if I have a slight interest in the person.

There is no timeframe for being better or ready. Everyone is different. I don’t know how I feel. Some days I just don’t feel. It has become easier to compartmentalize all of this. I was always good at doing that. But I’m better at it now. It helps me step forward little by little. I don’t box these things up and never revisit them. It is like I table complications until I am ready to sort them. Sometimes a solution to an issue will just hit me out of the blue and I will implement action upon this. So, I don’t compartmentalize and never work through things. It is crazy to think I still have things tabled from a while ago. But I will figure out what I need to do and how I need to work through it all. I always do.

My day is just beginning. I am gonna get to adulting. 😉

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Responses to “JE 59: Revelation”

  1. wmmitchell17

    …. And you’re getting very proficient at adulting. I’ve decided, I don’t think I want to do it anymore.😏❤️

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    1. MsAshHole

      Adulting sucks lol

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  2. Quay

    Bravo for moving forward even when you take a step back at times. I’m 56 years old. I’ve been divorced for the last 6 years. I was married for 26 years. My ex left me emotionally well before I walked away from the marriage. See, i became disaabled and couldn’t work. Id stuck by and supported her thru all her difficulties. All her mental breakdowns, all the times she couldnt work or even want to get out of bed. I married for life, for richer or poorer, in sickness and health. She apparently only married for as long as i could provide financially. I wish i could still work and provide. Its hell on a persons psyche to know you cant do the basic things in life like work and provide. I know that I don’t want to be with her ever again, but i can’t help still missing and mourning that family unit. I never intended to be in this position at my age. I’ve tried dating, and wouldn’t mind being in a relationship again, but more and more I feel like I’m gonna be alone the rest of my life. I hate that feeling, but I feel like I don’t have the energy to date and romance and fall in love again. And that’s a terrible feeling because I absolutely loved being in love and all that comes with it. So take your time. There’s no limit to your healing process. Love will find you if it’s meant to be. Til then, try living your best life.

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