Any and Everything

February 1, 2024

Today is finally the first of February. What does that mean for me? Nothing… This month will be 6 months since Josh died. It seems like it was only yesterday. Time it flies. Could also be because I went on an emotional survival mode. Ava tries to get out of school everyday. I just don’t know what I can do to fix this. She does it every morning and then she is fine after I take the other kids to school. If she didn’t cry wolf all the time then I would perhaps believe her. But that just is not the case.

Tomorrow I get to see G and I couldn’t be happier. I have actually missed him. The others? Not so much. I guess that says something about how I am feeling towards him. It can’t last long term but I would love to spend some more time together. He knows about my date Saturday. I don’t see a point in lying. I actually have not lied to anybody in regards to this stuff.

Let me vent a second about social media. I love being able to connect with people but it gets to me that they think they are entitled to my time and energy. That just isn’t so. I need to worry about myself. I wish others would worry about themselves..

I was asked a question anonymously. Which friends support me the most… I had to think about it for a second and I answered honestly. DJ, Elliott, Jordan, and Brit. Well i used to see Brit all the time but she is busy lately. Which I get. But without these people I would be too far into my own head. They keep me in check and are honest with me about what they see looking from the outside in. That perspective is appreciated, always.

After doing what I did with snap I finally have a small cushion that I can sit on. With kids, bills, and everyday living expenses it has been tight since Josh passed. I don’t really like to get into that but it is the truth. Not that he worked. He hadn’t worked in years. He would spend so much money on alcohol that it ate into my savings. I am really grateful to those who subscribed even though I will never do nudity. I have been asked if I am shy… No, just people don’t deserve to see all of me unless we are sleeping together.

Have you ever felt smothered? I have been feeling that way lately in regards to some of the males I talk to. They are just full advice that no one asked for. I know what I am doing and what I want to do. I think out every step. If I post something you can guarantee that I have run just about every scenario in my head. I may not always predict what will happen but I come close.

There was this one guy that I actually liked on twitter. We chatted for a long time in a friendly manner. We still chat. But he ran off and got married to one of his FWB. He tried to give me shit for G coming over. I had to point out that I don’t marry my regulars… I think that gave him the hint to “keep it to yourself.” At this point I don’t care what people think about my decisions. I didn’t mince my words when I told everyone I am going to do me for now on. I meant it. I mean of course the kids come first no matter what. But this is my life too. I need to be able to feel comfortable in my own skin and I do believe I am achieving that slowly but surely.

Once I stopped fighting the current my life became much more simple. I am grateful for that. It is hard to keep your footing within the waves. But once you let go. It is amazing. That doesn’t mean that I always feel this way. I still get overwhelmed from time to time. I am quicker to snap out of it nowadays. I didn’t realize that this month is the 6 month mark. I get into my thoughts sometimes and I just hate the thought of Josh not being in this world anymore. It hurts. The way he died hurts me. I saw what it did to him. Cirrhosis is no joke. It is horrible to watch someone with it die.

Guess I better start getting this show on the road. I hope you all have an amazing day! Tomorrow is Friday and I couldn’t be more excited.