Any and Everything

January 26, 2024

I am up late tonight it is actually about to be January 27th. I want to stay up late tonight. Not all night but what else am I doing? I can utilize this time to write and even read. I am always asked if I ever sleep. I do I love to sleep. Sometimes it is good for me to stay up late. Sometimes I just can’t sleep. It is part of my PTSD I have grown accustomed to it. It is not abnormal for me. I keep it in check. I don’t have panic attacks anymore… Well I haven’t in a while. I have worked hard to get a good grip on that part of me.

I have been asked what it is I do for fun… I have fun I just can never think of what it is I like to do that sounds interesting. I enjoy doing things. That’s just it. I enjoy just going with the flow. I like just about everything and if I don’t I am quick to say so. It is hard when meeting people. New people that is… I am going to start answering that question with a, “What is fun?”

In all seriousness, speaking of fun, I am planning a trip to go kayaking this summer. I would like to go white water rafting too. I need to take the kids on vacation. Somewhere away from here. They deserve it. I have no direction as far as to where yet. It will be our first trip without their father. I hate saying this but I feel like the actual trip to a place will be so much more pleasant. There was always a lot of yelling. I can’t stand constant yelling.

Josh made friends with a guy here that works for a food delivery service. Very nice guy but he delivered our food tonight. I had to tell him about Josh and then I naively gave him my number when he asked. I hadn’t read too much into it. Well tonight he calls to talk about I assumed Josh’s passing. But no… it was to tell me he was attracted to me, has been, etc… Not what I wanted to hear. There are so many guys like this. Josh died it isn’t open season on me. I appreciate the ones tr;ying but it just isn’t the right time yet. I am dabbling in the dating pool not diving in.

I just don’t know how to be mean to nice people. I have learned to be blunt and I suppose that is what I am going to have to do in this situation. I have noticed these younger guys are kindof creepy. The few I have encountered are walking red flags. I get stalker vibes from a lot of them. I don’t know if it is just the generation or how these particular men are. I think they want to fall fast and hard in love and I am past that. I want to move through life at my own pace. Do the things I want to do. Expand myself before I really want to be with anyone. That could take years. I am content with just being by myself. I have heard it all… from “that will change” to “you don’t mean that.” 

Why would I not. Seriously… I mean it. That could change and I am honest about that. But as of right now I need this time for me. For once in my life I am single. I have never really been single and I need to be. Not to run around and do dumb things… Just to figure me out and focus on my children. The more that time passes the more I feel safe inside myself and not in an unhealthy way. I’m no longer isolating myself. I did that for a while after Josh died. I don’t know why I did that but it was hard to break. That took a good 3 months to break. Even now sometimes I just want to lay in my bed and let the day just go by. But I don’t.

There is so much that I would like to do. I am working this life one day at a time right now. Until I get my grounding in place. I feel like I am closer everyday. I don’t cry all the time anymore. I don’t have breakdowns often at all anymore. I can’t say never because it can happen at the drop of a hat. The important thing is that they are not daily anymore. That is an amazing feeling.

Well looks like it is late or early depending on how you look at things. Have an amazing night guys and a marvelous weekend.