Any and Everything

January 25,2024

I have decided that I am actually excited about a date. More about the fact that I just want to get out and be around other adults. I know that is such a selfish way of looking at things but it is the truth. He is a really nice guy I would like to get to know him better as well so it is a win/win really. I don’t even have a sitter lined up yet. That is my next order of business.

It is pouring today. Josh always loved this weather. I think about all of the good times we had while it rained. There were so many. But, as usual, the nagging memory of how he treated me these last years comes through and the good memories seem tarnished. I know that will pass and things will sort out. So I am letting it happen organically. If I need to write about it I will. No holding back.

When I was going through some files on my laptop I found some notes I was making in preparation for a book I wanted to write. I may have to share some of those and get everyone’s thoughts on it. I haven’t even looked at them in several years.

Reflection has been one of my better friends here lately. It is so helpful though. There are instances that I did not think long into and I should have.

There we go back to how I was slowly conditioned to think a lot of abnormal behavior was… normal. I often hear people stating how easy it is for someone to just leave if they are not happy. There are so many layers to that onion in which those people have no perception. It is easy to look at someone else’s relationship and tell them what you would do different. But the fact remains no one knows what position any one person is in.

Trust me, people who once knew me would never think that I would be in an abusive marriage fueled by alcohol. Had that been how he was in the beginning then, no, I wouldn’t have stayed. By slowly progressing his behavior I became conditioned to think that is the normal. That is how things are. Looking back I see how I lost myself somewhere in the middle of all that. I am grateful that I can slowly get a slice back. I’ll happily take getting me back a smidge at a time as opposed to not at all.

It is a good feeling to have a general direction. You either are stagnant, living in the past, or trying to push forward. I have my moments where I stall out but in general I am always moving forward.

I hope you all are enjoying yourselves. We have finally made it to fiday! Have a wonderful weekend my friends.