Any and Everything

January 24, 2024

I was supposed to vacuum today but I honestly don’t feel like it. Doesn’t mean I won’t but I may procrastinate a bit longer. I had one child stay out today with the flu. The other two went back. I never got the flu. I am happy to report… well I haven’t gotten it yet.

I have been doing a lot of really in-depth thinking here lately and about things I would not normally think about. It is interesting to me, my thoughts on things. I can be honest with myself and I surprise myself everyday by what random thoughts pop into my head.

For instance, as much as I love sex, it is kindof gross. It is still my favorite way to connect as a human. I know that isn’t the healthiest thing. We should connect in different manners. Or so most people think. I don’t think any way of going about connection is wrong. Different things work for different people.

Another random thought I have had is that my new norm isn’t bad. I have gotten used to cooking for 4 now and I was piddling around the grocery store and it hit me. I have this… I haven’t cooked much lately but I am changing that. I know I don’t feel like it sometimes but after I do it I feel rewarded. I can do this. Not that because I grocery shopped and can cook for 4 now does it mean that I think I have this. It’s that feeling I get throughout the day doing the mundane things that need to be done… It is a comfort feeling. Like I can relax again.

That is new for me… so new. I have had more times that I have felt like a foreigner in my own body as opposed to at home. I like the “at home” feeling. Who wouldn’t though. I still don’t process things the same. I feel like that may be a good thing. After Josh died I find myself more relaxed when conflicts occur and I tend to shelf them for a brief period and think about what to do instead of immediately reacting. I love it. I feel like I make such better decisions.

My depression is wavering. I hate these cycles. Where no matter what, you have a touch of melancholy that not even medicine can cure. I don’t know how often those bouts will occur but in the past I only them after a physical altercations. It was usually during the time I was healing which could be anywhere from 1-3 weeks depending on the severity. I can’t wait until I am at that point where I have worked through all of the bad memories and they really are just in my past. I am actually glad it takes time because processing all of them… is going to take me quite a while. I need that time to slowly do it. I still tend to gloss over the truth. Not lying, but not being entirely honest. I did that for so many years that it is second nature to me. I work on that. Sometimes I have to go back and delete entire thoughts so that I can rewrite them with more depth in how I am feeling. It isn’t easy for me.

I come from a strong southern family. Yes, a lot of my family are from up north but I have a lot from down here too. We were brought up not to talk about our issues. If we didn’t openly acknowldege them, then they didn’t exist. So not healthy but I notice a lot of us down here are like that. We were raised this way. I have broken that cycle… Ok, I am working on breaking that cycle.

I am going to end this now and say I hope you guys have an amazing weekend coming up:)