Any and Everything

January 22, 2024

I have been thinking a lot about where I am as a person now. It has been over 4 months since Josh died. Things are leveling out. I am getting familiar with this new normal. Which is actually making me feel more at ease. It is a hard feeling to explain.

Sometimes I feel like I try so hard to pull myself out that I sink even further. Just like if you were in quicksand. I am trying not to fight so much and go with the flow more. I will say it has helped my anxiety. I am a natural worrier I really hate it but I’ve grown accustomed to it. I want to get out of this pit. But, I know it will come when I stop fighting so hard. You would think that is something that you could pull yourself out of but it isn’t. It happens slowly and on its own time. I think I’m getting that now.

If I embrace this my life could be so much easier. It is a constant internal battle. I know what I need to do but that piece of me that longs to be in control of everything just can’t let go. It is ceasing its grip little by little but I need to learn to not be so high strung about everything. 

I can say that I am here this time. With Robert shock hit me quick and hard. I was a walking shell of myself for years. I am not that this time. I feel everything. I can compartmentalize and push things into the background or “table” an issue till I am ready to address it. I don’t like doing that but so far it has been helpful in this process. It is letting me let go a little at a time and I think I need to do it that way.

I don’t forget he is dead not even in that moment when everything is hazy and you are adjusting to being in the land of the awake. That was usually when I was hit with the “bad dream” feeling. I am sure I will have more days like that but for now, this is a good direction to be traveling in.

I have a proper date that I am going on in a couple of weeks. I hesitated to say yes. Heck it may not even be an actual date. It has been so long I almost want to ask myself, “What is a date?” I am indifferent about it. I am not ready for an actual relationship but why stay holed up in the house? As long as I am honest and upfront with him about where I stand right now. I wouldn’t consider myself back out there but I am not going to isolate on any level anymore.

I need to change a few things to make myself feel better in general. I have noticed that I isolate myself. Even when I am home. I am never away from the girls and they can always. Hang out with me but I find myself staying in my bedroom mostly. I used to do that when I lived with my mom and I was super depressed. I am going to change that behavior. It will be good for me.

There is nothing really new to report besides the kids have the flu. I go to see N this weekend maybe. I would like to. I don’t know how I am feeling in that realm. My comfort level isn’t where it should be with him. I don’t look at this with the lenses that it will be some magical union and we are going to stay together. No, it is temporary. I am curious if maybe it has run its course. Always a possibility and I will explore that within myself to figure it out.

I want… No I need to be single for a long while. I have to find me again. Not only do I have to find me, I need to learn me again. It is going to be a process. No one can do this but me. I read something that touched me. I find it to be very true. Logically I see this.

You are not responsible for your pain.
But you are responsible for your healing

I hope you all have an amazing week.