Any and Everything

Januay 15, 2024

Yesterday was a day! We went to church. I feel like it has been a long while since we have gone. I didn’t mean to take a break I just had a lot of things to take care of throughout the holiday season. I do love my church family. They are the nicest people I have ever met. I personally am not a bible thumper but church can be good for the kids and myself. It is a community. Enough about that I don’t usually get into all that but I suppose it is relative.

Today I took one of the twins to get lab tests done. We have to make sure she has acid reflux and she doesn’t have gallstones. I never thought I would be at the Doctor’s so much but the kids always have “ailments.” A lot of them are fake… I’m just going to say it… Fake. They have had a hard time going to school since their father died. I get that but I’ve explained to them that school is their job for the moment and they gotta work. Therapy helps. My little one doesn’t have an issue going it is just the older two but they were older and understood more of what was going on. I contribute that fact to how hard it has been on them. They had to literally watch their dad die. He died here in the house. I know that has some impact on them. It has to.

I have conflicting emotions about some of the things in my life. It is weird, things I never thought I would have to think about. I’m asked if I am single all the time and I always answer, “I’m widowed.” I feel like this is so different than being single. Am I wrong? I feel like most people understand. But do they really? To me, when I answer that I am widowed I feel like it means I am not attached but I am not ready for anything. I wonder if I convey that message… I am single but I am not ready to really be single yet. I need lots of me time and time to properly grieve. That is important to me. I have to mourn 17 years. It doesn’t happen overnight.

I suppose today has been a good day and it is only half over. I felt like writing early today. That is a good feeling. I only make journal entries when it hits me to. I may skip some days and I may write everyday. Just depends on how I feel. I mask a lot in humor, I know I do. But the kicker is I am always honest about how I feel. If someone asks me how I’ve been if I say, “I’m okay,” then it means I really am in that moment. I am honest about when I am not. It changes within minutes but so far I’ve had at least a couple of good days in a row. I can’t wait till I can’t count how many good days I’ve had because there have been too many. I want to be there. I know with time I will get there.

I hope you all stay warm and safe this week.