Any and Everything

January 12, 2024

I ran some errands with the girls earlier that was fun. Things are becoming a new normal. I found myself coming home and with the full knowlege that Josh wasn’t here and never would be again. I didn’t cry. That is progress. There is so much that I feel during those moments. I will gladly accept not feeling for a bit.

I have come to the full agreement with myself that I just want to be emotionally alone for a while. I really do have quite a bit of work to do on myself. It isn’t normal for me to admit that but lately I have been embracing that concept and ideology. I feel so much better having done that.

Today I will clean. I feel like I clean everyday and most likely I do. Well, not most likely, I am always cleaning something. I am so glad the holidays are over it is time to start anew. I aim to do that this year. I don’t need to be labeled or have a crowd I run in. I would just like to be me and do the things that I personally want to do and when I want to do them.

That sounds so selfish when I say that aloud but I really do mean it with my whole heart. I haven’t taken myself in consideration in 18 years… It is my turn. Of course, the kids come first but it is an odd feeling not having to deal with someone who has an addiction. I hate to say this but at times I am relieved. I don’t know how much more of it all I could take before I snapped. Not that I would have done anything other than leave.

I almost filed a protection order against him once. You know what stopped me? The officer that came to take my paperwork had been in the news for false arrest. The way she talked to me had me recosidering my choice. So I left. Had it not been that woman I would have filed the paperwork. She made me feel like the abuser. I tried to show her all of my photos and she actually told me she didn’t need to see those… At that point I could tell she didn’t believe me so I just left. It is sad… And I bet that occurs more often than not. Do people not realize how much stregnth it takes to do that? And to treat the person seeking help like they are the problem… that is not the solution.

I love how I’ve been asked over the years why I didn’t call the police more. It is because of bad experiences. The only good one was when he hit me in the middle of the night and fled. That is the only time they believed me. Josh was a true narcissist and had a way with words that I just can’t convey. No matter what he could talk himself out of any trouble and he leaned on that. I remember the second time I called the police… My head was swollen I couldn’t hear out of one ear. But because he was drunk and fell into the pantry and received a scratch I was arrested. After that I have been done calling police. I was clearly battered and they did nothing to help me. No advocacy for me. Everything was dismissed but… wow talk about losing faith in ever getting help.

That is one of the reason people don’t reach out more. That feeling that people don’t believe you. It is you getting punished for trying to get out. I understand the officers try to do their job to the best of their ability but they did me an injustice. Had they arrested him I would have been able to get out without incident.

I tried to leave many times and many times I have been drug from a vehicle with my kids in the backseat. I was quick don’t get me wrong but he was bigger and quicker. I don’t think he enjoyed all of this but I think it gave him a sense of superiority. Like, no matter what he was going to go untouched.

I didn’t stand there and take beatings. I fought back as if I were in fear for my life, because I was. I ran sometimes. The night he pistol whipped me with a loaded gun I was completely done. this was only about a year ago. I saw the escalation… He also threw a knife at me that night while I was in bed. It feels amazing to be able to state this publicly. I had to hide it for so many years.

Even his mother still tells the girls it as both of us. I know, as a mother, you want to think the best of your child. But the alcohol changed him. He wasn’t the son she knew or the man I married. It is such a sad revelation but alas, it is true.