Any and Everything

January 3, 2023

Yesterday was a good and bad day. I got to see my great friend Brit for lunch. It was much needed. I also ended things with the guy. I don’t have time or energy for drama. I am sad about it at moments but I’m relieved at the fact that I’m mostly not upset about it.

That is that. I am dreading taking down Christmas. It is always so fun to decorate but I hate putting up. It’s weird with Josh not being here. Not that he helped me last year with anything related to Christmas but still.

The kids are doing ok. We have talked about their Dad a lot this season. I know they miss him. At the same time I can see the relief that they do not have to deal with the drinking and the effects of drinking anymore. To tell you the truth, and this is hard to say, as sad as I’ve been there is also a bit of relief mixed in because I don’t know how much more of his treatment I could have taken.

We were already separated. Doesn’t mean I didn’t have hope that he would quit drinking and love him. Had he stopped drinking I would have stayed. Deep down I already knew that would never happen.

We lived together even after I told him I need my space. He did not take that well at all. First the screaming then the trying to force me to change my mind. I couldn’t at that point becasue I was done putting the children through that torment. The stress level in my house has come down a lot and it is nice.

I have mixed emotions about damn near everything I am doing my best as a single parent. It isn’t easy. Not that he helped me much but he was still my companion and the loss felt is so deep. I can’t describe it.

This month has been a little rough. I wanted to give them a good Christmas and I did. But it is another month we are going to be tight. You know I didn’t really worry about that stuff when Josh wasn’t sick. He was somewhat of a functioning alcoholic. I’m going to be fine I always am but I hate telling the kids no to stuff. I don’t mean frivolous things. It’s like going to do a family activity or some sort of drink/candy they want. I know that is just ridiculous but I want to be honest about everything. Getting it out in the open has really helped me.

I called my tax man today to see how Josh dying affects how I file. Not at all this year but next year I file as a surviving spouse. That is so weird to say. To acknowledge that I am actually a widow. It feels odd to me. I’ve been one before but this hits different. Josh and I were together a little over 17 years. That is a long time. It feels weird to know that he is gone. Such a difficult emotion to explain.

I am going to close this out for tonight. Thank you for listening to me ramble I really do appreciate all of your thoughts, likes, and kind words.