Any and Everything

I just don’t know me without him. I’m discovering me again. Slowly but surely. Is this how it is when you build your life with and around someone? It is such a loss. It feels unreal. My emotions they overflow with all sorts of feelings at any given time. Mentally I know he is gone and I have to move on.

My kids are the only people keeping me sane. I honestly don’t know what I would do if I didn’t have them. I miss having that other person there. My person that is. It is so hard to explain to people. I’m okay… I really am. But okay is relative, right?

I can say I’m okay, be okay, and not be okay all at the same time. What a mind fuck that is. My thoughts are not linear yet. But I promise I am getting my shit together. I have no choice and I refues to lay down and just wallow in any of this. I am almost numb to the fact at times.

How does one simply move through loss. I am but it is slowly. I know that I’m not alone in this many people are widowed. Do we all have these crazy back and forth emotions? I’m almost numb but not quite it is a very ominious feeling especially when all you want is to be better.

Josh and I had a complicated relationship. We loved eachother but things were bad towards the end there. I had gotten fed up with the drinking and I know I became a mean bitch over it. When he got sick I had no idea what I was going to do. I took care of him and let him know he was loved right up till the end. Never once nagging him. I saw the end before it came. I still wasn’t prepared for him to leave.

I remember this photo that I stumbled across the other day. It looks like we are happy but he was drunk and in a mood. I had to miss the first shoot because he had blackened my eye. So all in all it was not fun for me. But I pretended everything was ok… just to make it through.