Any and Everything

December 29, 2023

I keep asking myself if this is the “calm before the storm” everything seems leveled for the time being. I really just hope that we have more days like this just relaxing and easy. Before we had a lot of hard days.

Living with an alcoholic is hard. I don’t always get into the specifics but… He was so hard to live with. The yelling alone drove me crazy. We had to walk on eggshells a lot of our days. Don’t get me wrong there were days when we refused to tip toe and he would literally explode about everything we did. We were relieved when he would pass out.

I am going to be completely honest. It’s the only way to get through this. I would hope he would hurry and pass out most days. It got so bad that all he did was yell and scream. Yelling is one of my triggers. I hated the yelling. I could see it slowly affecting the kids. That in turn affected me more than I let on.

The violence that came with some of his outbursts… was horrible. You know what the cherry on top was… I let him blame me the next day. I never admitted fault but I never stood up for myself. That absolutely is not me.

Well I never thought that would be me. Having been through it… that will never be me again. I assure myself of that. I just couldn’t allow myself or the kids, especially the kids, witness anything like that again. We are healing and I’d like to keep moving in that direction. 

New Years is just around the corner. I have no plans. It is a nice feeling. We don’t really do much anyways. But I’m relieved to know that we will have a conflict free New Years. I don’t think we have had one of those in years.