Any and Everything

I’ve been really trying to figure out how to get to the root of how I feel about all of this. I just don’t know I am all over the place. I’m happy one minute and I am sad the next. I can never tell how I will feel from one moment to the next.

Why do we, humans, have to be so complex? I wish it were more black and white sometimes instead of grey. But we get what we get right? I am trying really hard not to let on when I am having a breakdown. I have gotten pretty good at that. But the breakdowns have become few and far between. I’m very grateful for that really.

This has to be normal for someone who has experienced as much loss as what I have. There is no way I am the only one who feels like this. Writing this helps me to feel less alone in the world. It also allows me to get how I feel out and on paper, so to speak.

I want to be in complete control of my feelings but that is truly one of the hardest things for a human being to do. Almost impossible at times. I know I’ve already hit rock bottom, slammed through to the basement, and now I am working my way back up again.

It is going to be a long journey. I just want to be able to feel again. I am having a hard time fighting feeling numb. I think it is my defense mechanism… if I am numb I can’t feel the pain. I don’t want that I feel like I am ready to work through it. I hate feeling this way. I need to move forward. We all do. We are no longer stuck but we need to sort how we feel about everything. We have yet to discuss that. But, we will soon.