Any and Everything

Today I feel numb. I have no idea why I have days like this occasionally. I wan’t to cry but I can’t even work up my tears. Sometimes I can’t stop the tears. I can’t believe he is gone. I just want him back… sober and healthy. I hate this, it isn’t fair… not to the kids and not to me. I even miss the bitching… not the abuse.

I’ve listened to voicemails he has left me and I know his voice but I can’t picture him talking. That is killing me. I can’t stand it. I want to see him again, I’m by far not suicidal but I really miss Josh in a bad way. I don’t talk about it enough. But, I don’t like to… I break down and I hate doing that in front of people. I can’t do that.