Any and Everything

Luck is a four letter word. Those who believe in it typically have all the luck. What is one to do when they feel as a social misfit? I’m not poised for social settings anymore. I am getting better.

I remember when it was customary to have friends over every weekend. As Josh’s alcoholism began to worsen that slowly came to an end. I miss that. I miss the times before alcohol became the focus. too late for all of that now.

Sometimes, I can close my eyes and remember vividmemories of us. Some good, some bad, and sometimes I can just recall the emotion or the smell.

It is strange, the things that remind me of old times.

The first Christmas without Josh… that’s the next holiday. It hurts. We met on Christmas day. I know it is going to be a hard day for me. I am truly alone now.

It was just us for so long. I feel the loss in my soul. I have no choice other than getting my shit together. And that I am… As impossible as it seems at times.

If I could go back I would meet him all over again. That was some of the happiest times in my life. I loved him from day 1 till the day he died.

It is still so weird saying that. We were supposed to grow old together. That was the plan…. Not this. Not this at all. Looking back I honestly don’t know if that was realistic. I have to accept the fact that he was not going to get sober and I would have ended up leaving… I was already halfway out of the door when he got sick… but I still held out a smidgen of hope… that unrealistic hope he would finally get sober.