Any and Everything

It has been touch and go. I can’t stop reflecting upon Josh’s last days. I got to glimpse the old Josh a few times towards the end. I had to watch the Josh that I love die. I hadn’t seen him in almost a decade. That hurts so much that I become physically pained. I wanted that part of him back for years. But, no he was dying. I would never see the real Josh again. Everytime I say that to myself the pain I feel is just… I have no words to adequately describe the true depth.

God, I miss my old Josh. I still remember the goodtimes. Even though they were tarnished by all the bad. Towards the end, well the last year, I lost all desire for him physically but I’m beginning to reminisce about all of the good times we had in that sense.

I like sex but I loved it with Josh. Our connection was magnetic. I’ll never have that again. I just know it. I feel it in my bones. I am grateful that I got to experieence that in my life. I am lucky not everyone does.

God, I miss my old Josh. I thoroughly loved him. Even towards the end. That man could beat me black and blue and I would still fawn over him. I know it’s terrible Only when I saw the aggressive behavior start to develop towards the kids did I put my foot down. But I would have always wanted to be with him. Even if I couldn’t do it anymore. Not that I would have stayed. It would have just been a desire.

I’ll never marry again. I will NEVER marry again. I don’t see a positive to any of that. I just want carnal relations. Im thinking about getting a dog this spring… Maybe that will be my companion. That’s what I need to do. All these men wanted to “be” with me can go away. I need to be with me and the girls right now.