Any and Everything

I want you back. It’s a hard feeling when it’s just not possible. Sometimes I am mad at you and I am mad at me. I know you wouldn’t be nagged into not drinking. God knows I tried. I’m angry because what you took from our children and me. You finalized it all and god I wish you hadn’t. I needed you to stay. the kids needed you to stay. But you left us anyway. What am I supposed to do? I feel so helpless like I cant breath sometimes. I’ve been depressed. I know the kids can see of course they hurt too. I need to stop holing myself up in this room but I don’t want to do life without Josh so it feels more comfy. But it has to end. I have to try to move forward, not right now. It just happened, but I need to keep looking forward, if not for myself, then for the kids. They didn’t ask and don’t deserve any of this. No one does. I never thought I’d lose him… not at 39. I hate this feeling of empty. I don’t always feel empty but a lot of times I do.