Any and Everything

I don’t really know how to feel or what to feel today. I keep forgetting that Josh is dead, only for a moment at times. Like if I wake up in the middle of the night or super early… I have that familiar feeling that eveeryone is here sleeping then the melancholy hits when I remember that isn’t true. God, I miss normal. There were times in the past when I felt like I couldn’t live without Josh. Just because it was bad for a long time doesn’t mean that love wasn’t there.

I wish there was anything to make this pain go away. I know it will never fully go away. It will morph, evolve, change… But it never goes all the way away. This seccond time being widowed with children… This will be hard in so many different ways. I want to carry the girls’ pain even though I know I can’t. I keep telling myself that it’s okay. I’m okay. We will be okay. I find myself getting lost in thought a lot. Honestly my mind is void during these moments. Im just going through motions. It’s not shock exactly but kindof. I refuse to be consumed by that again. I don’t want to lose myself again. I just recently found me.

I feel terrible that the kids have to go through this. I’m selfish because I am glad to have them. I would be lost without the girls but I wished they never had to experience the alcoholism, abuse, or losing their dad.