Any and Everything

July 30, 2025

Well, I told everyone I had a significant change coming. I kept my pregnancy to myself mostly. I jd this because I believe that some things should be private. I had Charlotte on the 23rd. She weighed 7lbs 3oz and was 19 1/2 inches long. She will be my absolute last child. She was far from planned. A pleasant surprise, if you will. I have always been open to having another child; it is just that the possibility of that happening without medical intervention was slim. I was told many years ago, when I was trying to get pregnant with the twins, that I have atypical PCOS. I had to have help from an endocrinologist to conceive the twins and my youngest. It was a long and hard road to go down. I think that is why I wrote off having another child before I found out I was pregnant with Charlotte. I was also told that even if I did conceive naturally, I would have a miscarriage without progesterone supplements. I did none of that. So this was a shocker to me. I took some time to process that this was happening.

I had several scares early on. Lots of bleeding. So, logically, every time I just told myself, “Well, this is what they told you would happen.” I would prepare myself for the inevitable miscarriage to happen. But, it didn’t. The kids are happy about it. They like being big sisters to her. It is still an adjustment for everyone. I am not one of those women who want to have multiple children with multiple people. No disrespect to those who do. Just for me, it is not what I wanted. After Josh and I were on the outs, I did write it all off because I thought I would have to go through the ordeal of fertility treatments again. I did not want to repeat that; it was rough on my body. Considering my age and all, I couldn’t imagine bringing that up on a date.

Charlotte’s father is probably one of the best human beings I have ever met—just genuinely a good person. I am thankful he is her father. I have known him for quite a while, but we didn’t start hanging out till last year. We just knew each other on more of an acquaintance level till then. He has been very supportive of all of this. Between the two of us, Charlotte now has six older sisters. They range in age from 10 to 20 years old. So, there are tons of “hands on deck.” I honestly feel fortunate that she has a good dad. I am not saying Josh was a “bad” dad. He did the best he could, given his afflictions. Charlotte’s father is a fantastic dad. I honestly didn’t know how it all would go when I found out I was pregnant. But, to my surprise, it has all gone well, and I am thankful for that.

I will say I am happy she is here now. I don’t like pregnancy. It is the lack of control over my body. Plus, the worry that looms until they are born is terrible. Now, I know there are so many worries after they are here, too…

I am very grateful that her father does so much. I have always had a hard time asking for help or support. I have never had to ask him. I have been taken aback by how much he gives in every aspect. I am growing to appreciate it. I have never had that before. New is scary for just about anyone. Sometimes I feel like such an asshole because I don’t react how people usually do when someone is being genuinely nice to them. I am such a skeptical person. I attribute that to the things I have been through in life. It is a learned reaction. I am trying to unlearn that. It isn’t easy. But I am still working on myself. It is a slow process because I want to do what is right this time. I have made so many mistakes in life. I genuinely have “fucked around and found out.” I am human, so there will be more mistakes made. I am sure of that, but I would like to keep them to a minimum.

I hope that I can achieve that. I am still living day to day. I wanted to evaluate that, but that seems like the best thing for me to do. I am making progress. Setting a timeline for certain things is hard, and I will always work on myself. I guess we are all a constant work in progress. Maybe I should let go of some things already. It isn’t that I’m afraid to do certain things; I don’t think I can do anything helpful to others. I am not saying I am bad for people, but I still find myself very selfish in certain aspects of my life. That stems from not living for myself for a very long time. I need to change that. It isn’t exactly the healthiest way to be.

So now everyone knows about my significant life change. I am genuinely happy about it. I never thought I would have a child at almost 40. But here I am. Her father is 46; I know he did not anticipate having another child. I think we are both okay with it all, though. She is an anomaly, and I was told she would never be in the cards for me. She will probably be spoiled between her father, me, and her sisters. I want to enjoy this time because she will only be little once. I didn’t get to enjoy the other kids. The twins were a lot to take on at 24 years old. They are still teaching me how to parent—with Aria, Josh, and I were in such a complicated place that I loved having her, but taking care of the twins and her by myself made it hard to enjoy. I was 29, so I was a bit older. I tried to relish having her, but it wasn’t my reality. And Josh criticized everything I did. I was always “holding her too much” and various other complaints… it put a damper on the joy. With Charlotte, I am enjoying every bit of it. I don’t mind stopping whatever I am doing and spending time with her. Maybe it is because I know she will be my last child, and I want to spend as much time as I can with her while she is little. It is work and I am tired a lot, but it is worth it. One day, she won’t want to be held anymore. One day, she will be a teen and won’t want to spend as much time with me anymore, so I may as well take advantage of it now.

I skipped journaling last week for good reason, but I will still do this at least once a week. Who knows, maybe it will be more frequent than that. But for now, I have to make the kids brunch. I hope you all have an amazing Wednesday!

Thank you all for taking this journey with me!