Any and Everything

July 20, 2025

I have been meaning to make time to journal. I guess today is as good as any. I feel like I have been on the run all week. That isn’t all true. I think I have had a lot on my mind lately, and I couldn’t find the way to formulate it verbally or in a written sense. I do that a lot when I am processing things. My anxiety is at an all-time high, for good reason. I want to say that it will subside, but I feel like it may be a while before that happens. It’s okay, though; what is coming isn’t bad; it’s just complicated.

If you know anything about me, I like simple. I try to keep my life simple. Which, with kids specifically teens, is a hard life to maintain. I am going out of town for the last time this summer on Monday. I dread leaving my house. I usually do, though. I like my little bubble. I will be gone till Sunday or Monday. I will come home to a new existence that will be explained to everyone shortly. I am glad that I have kept things to myself, though, because I value privacy. What is going on is a very personal and private event for me. But I am happy that it is all coming to another phase. It is beyond time.

I have been debating whether I even want to attend church this morning. That is customary for me at 6am on Sunday mornings, but it is unusual. I get my bearings about me come 8:30 or nine, and I go. I enjoy it. I love the people that I go to church with. It is a small and very tight community. It’s one of the few things I can attribute to moving to this small town.

I have been feeling pressure from many angles, and it is time to relieve some of that. I am unsure what or how I will do that, but it is time to stop “tabling” some of it all. I don’t do the best to uncomplicate my life, though that is for sure. I have been trying to view things from a realistic standpoint. That helps a lot because I am a rational person, most of the time. Some things in life are just not realistic. I realize that it makes some decisions easier and others more intricate. I am sure that a relationship will not be in the cards for me anytime soon. I am such a walled-up person. I don’t think that anyone knows me. That is my fault. I do keep people at an arm’s length. It is second nature for me at this time in my life. I guess when you have been hurt enough, it develops into a natural way to be, for most people.

I have often asked myself if I envy people who easily open up to others, and the simple answer is “No.” I experienced that in my life. I used to be that person. I don’t want to be that way. I would rather have my handful of close friends than a lot of them. Maybe that also comes with age because I know many people who become like that as they age—quality over quantity. I know I must have a way with people because several people try to infiltrate my external walls, but the fact is… I am a nice person, but I am very cautious. Even those who think they are gaining entry are usually not. I have very few people that I confide in. Most of the time, I keep it to surface level or superficial things.

That could also be attributed to my late husband; I learned to keep things to myself. I find myself analyzing things before I even speak on a subject. That makes it so hard for people to get to know me honestly. I don’t think it is a bad thing. Not always. It probably leads people to believe that I am an asshole. I evaluate people very closely because I have made many mistakes when trusting people. I do not want to keep making the same mistakes. I already know the outcome of all of that. Why would I want to keep going down the same paths?

Recently, I discovered that I am numb to loss. Other people’s and my own. I mean, I do the polite southern thing, and I always convey my condolences, but at the same time, my mentality is, “That is a part of life.” Looking more into it all, I realize that is the result of aging because I remember the older generations being that way when I was younger. It is a weird concept to have that we are getting older. I still feel like it was yesterday when life began. I do feel like I have lived several lives already. It is tiring. It is a notion that no matter what, we are constantly evolving as people. I don’t think I will ever know exactly who I am because I am ever changing. I know my core values, which are the most important thing to be aware of. If nothing else, I am very consistent in that realm.

I have mentioned it recently, but I have been vague here lately. I am working on that. It just reminds me that I used to be such a people pleaser. Or maybe I was always trying to keep the peace. I don’t want to do that anymore. I want to live a peaceful life, but I always want to be honest. I am honest, but sometimes I find myself “sugarcoating shit,” it is purely out of habit. These are habits I have been trying to break for a long time. It is hard when you have done that your whole life. It is not an addiction; it is just what you revert to to move in a direction because no person likes to be in what I refer to as a “standstill.”

I have come to realize that there are some things that we can’t help. Emotions are one of those things. Strangely, one can’t control who they are drawn to. This applies to friends and romantic partners. Connections are hard to find but easy to fake for a while. Sitting back and thinking about what draws you to certain people is interesting. Why this person and not that one? Sometimes we don’t exactly have the answers to that question. A lot of times, we don’t have the answer to that question. I suppose that is okay, we aren’t supposed to know the reasons for everything. That is life. I have had some “friends” that I never trusted. I weed those out pretty quickly. I am a big fan of letting people bury themselves. It is because I have a good reason to rid myself of them. I don’t typically do second chances. In my experience, history repeats itself most of the time.

I wanted to ensure I stuck to what I challenged myself to do: write at least once a week. I am proud that I stuck to that. It doesn’t seem like a lot, but for me, that is progress. I often struggle to get my thoughts out rationally and linearly. I guess it is time to start gathering myself and prepping for church. I will be absent from the congregation for a few weeks. I will miss it.

I hope everyone has an amazing Sunday. I have a bit to do that I don’t feel like doing now, but the things will get done. The next time I can sit down and converse here, I will have so much more to say. Things in my life will be abundantly changed in a way I don’t think most people suspect.