Any and Everything

June 15, 2025

First off all, Happy Father’s Day to everyone:) As true to my usual Sunday, I went to church. It was interesting. A few months ago my Pastor retired. He was old and I get it. We finally have a new official pastor and today was good but different. New can be good though but we will miss the old for sure. I have been thinking about life. Mainly about how we have a limited amount of time.

It is like we are in our twenties with so much time left in front of us and then suddenly we turn the corner and we are suddenly a decade older. Our friends and parents are one by one leaving this plane of existence and we start questioning our own mortality. I feel like once we come to terms with the reality that we won’t be here forever, we really start to live. I don’t really know if I am absolutely there yet.

But, I have come to the realization that for decades I have done things for other people. I have never really stepped back and asked myself what I want and where I want to be. I need to really do that. I mean there are things that I know I want but they are more in the moment. I need to really start thinking longterm. I don’t want to live my life day by day anymore. I mean I still will, I am human. I just need to pick a direction and move that way. I will have to really think about all of that. It is a new notion for me. I wonder if that is the process in my healing. I guess it is. For the longest time I just wanted to get through the day.

I did take a step I had fought myself on for so long. I am glad I did but it complicates life in a sense. That is ok because how boring would life be if we didn’t allow some complications to exist? Very. I need to stop listening to people who tell me what is right for me and do what I feel is right. We don’t live forever and at the end of the day I want to go forward being true to myself. I could do so many things but one of them is not living just for my children. At the end of the day I am raising them to go forth and have their own lives. I don’t mean that I aim to just forget I have kids and live a hedonistic existence. Not by any means. I just know that one of these days they will be off living life and I should be doing the same. To do that I need to consider that it is okay to start planning out a future where they are not my main focus. I know that they always will be in a sense. I just refuse to be one of those parents that feel like I need to constantly be up their rears. I am raising them better than that and I want to trust that when they are adults I did everything to prepare them to live thier lives.

I would like to have things for myself. At this point, I do have a long long while before I am there but the end goal is to be there. I want them to run their own lives and for me to run my own life. I know so many people that are helicopter parents even to some of my friends my age I refuse to helicopter parent my grown children. I want to have a good relationship with them. One that they know they can come to me for whatever they need but I won’t insert myself in a radical way.

Having that notion, I want to really put some thought into where it is that I want to be when I am 45. I guess I need to start working on a 5 year plan. That is what I am saying. I am so ready to feel better about tomorrow not just get through today. Now thats the hard part. I have no idea where to begin. It is why I need to take some time and really think about it all. Do I want to be alone for the rest of my life? Had you asked me that even a week ago my answer would be, “probably.” It has evolved to an, “I don’t know,” that alone I suppose is progress.

It doesn’t mean I am going to aim to find someone. My life needs to move organically at this point. I forced so much when I was younger and I don’t want to live that way ever again. I feel like if it happens it happens. When I was younger I had more of a mindset of “it has to happen.” Not anymore. I am a different person now. I am ok with that. I like me better now. I do feel pressure at times. Almost like I am fighting a current. But am I really? Or am I fighting against the norm that is expected from me? I need to find my own flow in all of this. It is not a hard notion for me to understand but I also understand that it may be hard for others to understand. I have to be okay with that because at the end of the day this is my life and I have only been given one to live. I need to make the most of it. I owe myself that much. We all do.

I do find it humorous how at one point we all had the, “ I’ll live forever notion,” and that changes with age and experiences to, “It could happen any day now.” I suppose that is just the mind-fuck of being a human being. I have thought long and hard if I am scared of impending death. I am not. Do I want to die? No one generally does but it is the inevitable. I would just like to do better, make plans, see the future, and be happy.

Well, I guess that really does sum up my thoughts for the moment. I am going to go and spend some time with my children and enjoy the rest of my Sunday. I hope you all have an amazing day. Monday is tomorrow and it all starts again:)