Any and Everything

June 12, 2025

I know it has been forever since I have sat down and actually put my thoughts down in writing. I don’t know if it is really intentional. I suppose it is though. I just haven’t really felt like sharing my thoughts lately. I can’t explain why. I really do need to be better about it. Living in my head is a nightmare.

Things have actually not been too bad though. I did just come through a tough spell with one of the twins. She and I clashed quite a bit. That has been hard. It is always hard when you see them making similar mistakes that you did but at the same time you know they need to experience some things in order to understand they are making the mistake. Luckily we are on better footing now.

I am in a phase where I am getting my house in order. In many senses of the phrase. I haven’t lost my need to be introspective. I find myself doing the same things that I did when Robert died. I am trying to rush moving forward. I know it can’t be rushed. I mean it just leads to faking things until you are finally there. The collateral damage from doing that is not worth it. I have been battling with myself trying to “feel.” I had a spark of emotion a while ago but I had to cut that loose. I still dwell on that a little. I sulk just like everyone else, I just compartmentalize and push it far to the back. But it bubbles up occasionally. Other than that I have actually asked myself if I will ever feel again. I don’t know and that is a tough notion for me.

I am sure I will. I am human. I feel like I keep my walls high and tight. Even when it seems like I let them down I don’t. I realized that recently. I am always gaurded. I suppose that isn’t always bad but it makes me feel almost in-human. I want so badly to just feel but I don’t. It is like I can’t. “The struggle is real,” as they would say.

I will say that the way I conduct myself is freeing. I spent so much of my life and time holding things in and keeping myself back. Now I pretty much say what is on my mind and I do things that I want to do. It is weird in a sense to me. I mean I have literally been with someone for the last 20 years. First it was Robert. Then I very quickly found myself enamoured with Josh. Before then though there was Jay. I mean I basically was with him from the time I was 12 till I met Josh. He was my distraction after Robert until Josh. It was never linear, it was always “on and off.”

That is so very unhealthy. Being single has really taught me to value myself in a way that I was unaware that I needed to. I am getting to really know myself. I am an asshole. There is humor in that but I am not a bad person. I have come to realize that my moral compass is better than a lot of people’s. There are so many shady individuals in this world. It irritates me. For example, my daughter’s ex boyfriends parents. I may get into all that soon but they have been a prime example of the people I tend to avoid in this world. Oh and trust me I let them know exactly how I felt. Especially when they thought they would take advantage of my kindness. See, I can be the nicest person or the biggest asshole you have ever met. There is a lot of things I would do for people but I won’t let anyone walk all over me. I did that for almost two decades and I can see it coming a mile away now.

Next month my whole life dynamic is going to change. I will fill everyone in when it happens. I just need a little more time before I do that. I really do value that I am keeping something to myself for myself. It is important to me. I do worry a little about the surgical part of it all but it will be okay.

I have recently asked myself why people can’t forget me and why I can’t forget some people. That is such an interesting road to go down with one’s self. I had a notion that it is the way I leave for some people. I literally just take my leave. I usually explain why but only once. Those are usually the people that I can’t forget but I know that lingering too long makes it all painful and I am done with pain. Which is a silly thought because the “what-ifs” that pop in from time to time are painful in themselves. I have almost reached out but I won’t. That would be like opening Pandora’s Box.

Things happen for a reason in life. I see that at times you want to go right but end up in a flow that takes you left. The important thing is to not fight the current. I really do need to get better about getting my thoughts out and journaling here more. It really helps me sort through it in a healthy way. I am the classic “bottler” I will bottle my thoughts and overthink to a very unhealthy extent. Besides, that is why I started this I need to continue doing it.

Ok, new challenge, I am going to do my very best to journal 1-2 times a week at least. Even if I end up with senseless ramblings… Sometimes those can be the most insightful at the end of the day. I needed to break that seal tonight. I have been wanting to do this for a while. But I just haven’t done it. That is my folly and I aim to correct it. Heck maybe I’ll even get into some things that grind my gears. Like get into them deeply. We shall see. Either way I appreciate everyone who takes time to read my rambles and word vomit. These entries aren’t like when I “write” I go over those with a fine tooth comb. Here I literally just type with no direction and I don’t go back and edit a word. It’s my thoughts from my brain, to my hand, and on the screen. I made that deal with myself when I started this. I won’t be fake or over think what is coming out because that wouldn’t help me.

Anyhow, I am gonna close this out because I am about to have to go pick up my teenagers. They went to a movie with some friends. I hope you all have an amazing night!